


Out of Left Field

by TNKT



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Acrophobia, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) is Bad at Feelings, Feelings Realization, First Dates, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Hank Anderson & Connor Friendship, Happy Ending, Head Injury, Hidden Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Oblivious Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Pining, Poor Nines, Protective Connor, Protective Upgraded Connor | RK900, Psychological Trauma, RK1700 - Freeform, Secret Crush, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Loathing, Soft Upgraded Connor | RK900, They'll figure it out, Unrequited Crush, Upgraded Connor | RK900 Has Feelings, Violence, Whump, Wingman Hank Anderson, but don't worry this story is about getting it out in the open and reciprocal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27401194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TNKT/pseuds/TNKT
Summary: Nines showed up to the DPD months ago and has been getting along with nearly everyone that works there. Nearly. Connor is convinced that the reason RK900 is so cold to him is because of the disparities between their models. Nines has never cared for him, and Connor himself doesn't feel the need to look after the faster, stronger, more resilient RK900.So when they both get attacked and Connor is in danger, he's surprised to see that the look on Nines' face is one he's never seen there before.(Maybe TBC if I get inspired again)
Relationships: Connor/Upgraded Connor | RK900
Comments: 71
Kudos: 151





	1. Fear is a Catalyst

**Author's Note:**

> Hey pumpkin! I felt in the mood for some RK1700 and asked over on Tumblr and Twitter for some prompts. Here are those that came up that I'll be using in this chapter:  
> \- "Nines is in love with Connor but is avoiding his feelings so hard to the point that Connor thinks Nines hates him. They don't realize until they both go undercover together or on a case and Connor is threatened/damaged and overprotective Nines rushes to save him"  
> \- "Why not switch it up and Connor is the worrywart because Nines got hurt"  
> Thank you pumpkins! You know who you are <3

Connor glanced at his reflection in the dirty window of the nightclub. Pale LED, sandy cropped hair, blue eyes, not a single mole or freckle; he felt uneasy at the sight of his unfamiliar face and quickly turned away from it. He really didn't like these undercover operations where changing his appearance was a requirement because of his reputation as the ex-deviant hunter. He'd never liked having to alter who he was. He wished he had sleeves to straighten but the nondescript T-shirt that Officer Wilson had lended to him for the purpose of the mission didn't allow that. The place was loud and warm and stifling and it smelled of sweat and alcohol, though really, all that Connor minded was the sound and the liquids spilled on his shoes. The vibrations were disorientating even though he'd had hours to get used to them.

< _RK900: Closing hours are in five minutes._ >  
< _RK900: You might as well leave._ >

< _RK800: Yes, let's join up._ >

Connor was annoyed to have spent the whole night here only to end up with absolutely nothing to show for it, but maybe their target hadn't felt like a good time tonight. It was a bit of an odd coincidence that the suspected head of an anti-android group Holly Tomasz had chosen to sit out this one Friday out of all the regular Fridays she attended this club, but it happened. Connor went to set down his half-empty glass on the nearest countertop and made his way to the exit to regroup with Nines. 

Not for the first time that night, Connor felt a bit resentful that the RK900 was his partner for this operation. At least Connor had jokes to pass the time when it was Officer Wilson, or he could listen to Hank grumble about anything he found to grumble about. Communication with Nines was mostly radio silent.

Nines was mostly radio silent even outside of operations. He'd been neutral from the very first day he'd been introduced to the DPD by Captain Fowler when he'd offered standard greetings and conversation. Connor felt that Nines had become very aloof towards him in particular as time wore on and he'd come to the conclusion that Nines simply didn't care for him at all. Maybe Nines had even grown to despise him. Connor wouldn't have been that surprised if the RK900 one day openly shunned him for being inferior; he'd expected it to become an eventuality from day one, though he wasn't eager to face it. It was bad enough being reminded of it every time Nines added another success to his already long list of accomplishments, list that had exceeded Connor's much too soon.

Sometimes Connor would notice Nines staring at him, as if expecting Connor to do _something_. Likely to do better.

Whenever they got paired up at work, Connor had the distinct impression that Nines would never allow them to become more than simple colleagues. There had been a time at the beginning when Nines had been willing to ask Connor for advice and had even politely expressed the wish to know more about him, but there soon came a day when Nines suddenly established a distance between them. He spoke curtly and seldom smiled. Connor knew he was partly responsible since he hadn't exactly behaved warmly towards the RK900, nervous as he was that he would get replaced, but Connor hadn't gotten replaced and he thought differently now. The distance remained. Connor appreciated this even less knowing that Nines was completely capable of being an agreeable individual with their coworkers, and he'd even seen Nines laugh on a few instances. Granted, it was never more than a courteous chuckle, but still. Connor disliked that Nines had decided that he wouldn't consider him a fellow officer worthy of his friendship.

Connor walked down the dark streets where he crossed paths with several couples and groups of drunken humans and headed for the meeting place he was supposed to find Nines in. He walked across the road and saw the tall shape of his partner coming closer from a few yards away. Nines wasn't wearing his usual elegant overcoat and instead wore a wide-fitting dark jacket, the hood of which was obscuring his features and made him look like a drug dealer- an imposing and broad-shouldered one at that. But that was the point, no one was supposed to realize they looked similar if they were seen together, even if it was outside the place Connor had been undercover in.

"Behind you!" suddenly shouted Nines.

There was a screech from around the corner of the road and Connor quickly spun around in surprise, realizing in the second that followed that the car was coming straight for him. He tensed, knees bending to jump to the side, but he already knew that at least one of his legs would get clipped by the front of the vehicle. Connor wasn't a resilient model. His structural integrity would be compromised.

A hand grabbed his arm and brutally pulled him to the side, and Connor watched with widening eyes as Nines threw himself in front of the vehicle in his stead. The collision was terribly loud, metal crumpled, glass shattered, and Connor hit the ground with a grunt. He immediately rolled over and got to his hands and knees to see what was going on. 

"It's that one all right."

"Let's get it!"

The doors to the car were opening and slamming shut and he saw men armed with bats walk towards him. Connor promptly alerted the DPD with a request for backup as soon as he understood that this was no accident. There was a huge dent in the front of the car but they didn't seem to care. Nines was on the ground and Connor saw him move, but then one of their attackers leaned down and he heard the sound of a tazer. Alarm filled him as soon as he recognized it and he shouted.

"Stop!"

The sound did stop, but he felt his pump swoop at the same time as he saw the man bring down his bat with a loud metallic thunk. He knew Nines' model was strong and built well enough that it could sustain that kind of damage, but-

" _Stop!_ " 

Connor lunged forward, only for another tazer to meet him halfway through his step which he narrowly avoided. Connor couldn't dodge the bat that swung out in the middle of his duck, however, and it hit his shoulder with an impact that reverberated through his upper body and sent him back to the ground. A warning showed up in red on his HUD and Connor quickly swept it away. The rest of the men had surrounded Connor so he couldn't see Nines anymore. He quickly got back to his feet and raised his fists, one slower than the other, warily eyeing the two tazers he could see in their hands.

"Who are you and what do you want?" he firmly asked.

"Did you think no one would recognize you?" smugly said one of their aggressors. "Our boss didn't like learning about the deviant hunter hanging around here."

Connor realized with a jolt why Holly Tomasz hadn't shown up. 

"Fucking plastic junk," spat another. "Let's get this over with."

Connor warily shifted in a defensive stance, berating himself for not having noticed that he'd been tailed even as he readied himself for a fight. The men laughed darkly, metal bats dragging against the ground in low scrapes, tazers crackling in the dark. They didn't notice what Connor saw beyond their circle, the starkly cut out shadow slowly rising from the ground behind them in the car's headlights. Nines' hood had slipped back and Connor saw in the the overhead light of the closest streetlamp the look on the other android's sharp features.

His blue eyes were wide with fear. 

For a single second, he looked more afraid than Connor had ever imagined possible for the RK900. It made no sense to Connor why that was. And then Nines snapped into action, a huge and powerful wave of destruction that unfurled so fast Connor barely had the time to react before two of the men were flung outwards and took a rough landing against the concrete yards away. Both remaining attackers spun around to swing their bats at Nines, one of which violently hit the side of Nines' head, but that didn't faze him and his punch finished its trajectory in an open mouth that lost half its teeth to his knuckles. The last man standing took a step back when his comrade collapsed to the ground like a rag doll, and rose shaking hands, the bat hitting the ground with a metallic thunk and rolling to a stop at Connor's feet.

"W-Wait, wait-"

Nines grabbed his face and slammed him against the car, and when he let go, the human slumped down the side of it without a sound. And then it was quiet. Connor hadn't even had to move. Nines spun around and stepped up to him in the same fluid movement.

"Are you all right?"

Connor stared at the RK900, at the blood wetting the side of his face, the small dent at his temple, his damaged ear, and frowned. "Am _I_ all right?"

Nines stared back. "Where did they hit you?"

Connor didn't give a damn about his shoulder right now. "Are you _crazy?_ You threw yourself in front of a car!"

"They were going to run you over, " he levelly answered. Then Nines winced slightly and turned his head to the side, a hand flying up to his damaged ear.

Connor reached out too. "Did your audio-"

"Yes, but it's all right," curtly said Nines as he swiftly stepped back and away from Connor's touch. "I'll get it repaired."

" _Nines,_ " said Connor in a louder voice, and then he fell silent because he didn't know what to say. 

He realized he felt worried. Guilty as well, of course, because he hadn't seen any of this coming; but it was strange that he felt this concerned over Nines when the RK900 had put himself in harm's way to protect another person many times before. It had happened for him to take a bullet in Connor's place. It never failed to make Connor feel equally inept, guilty and resentul about it, but it was a tendency Nines had always displayed and refused to drop. Connor had been legitimately worried the first two times, though he'd kept it to himself and waited to see how Nines would come out of it, but then he'd stopped worrying because Nines always recovered fine and seemed genuinely undisturbed every time he served as a shield of any kind.

But usually, when Nines took damage for someone, he didn't waver. This time he'd stayed on the ground for a while after the tazer and the bat.

"Nines," Connor repeated, "you got yourself hit by a car head-on when you _knew_ that all I was risking was at most a broken leg."

"I damaged the car more than it damaged me."

"That's not the question! Why did you do that?"

Nines continued steadily looking down at him. "I'm the more resilient model. I don't let older models get damaged if I can prevent it."

It made sense. It was the way Nines functioned. Connor could just leave it at that and pretend that was all it was, but he could tell there was more to this than Nines was letting on. Maybe he was wrong about it, but a realization was dawning on Connor and he couldn't find any other explanation for what he'd seen.

Connor said: "You were scared for me. With the car, and also when you saw that I was up against them all."

Nines stiffened. It was almost imperceptible but it was confirmation enough to Connor and it bewildered him. Yes, Nines clearly made it one of his objectives to prevent harm to come to weaker individuals, but Connor had never seen him look afraid for someone like he'd been earlier. This wasn't how things were supposed to go. Nines didn't _care_ about him. Nines found him pitiful. 

"I don't follow," said Nines.

Connor's frown deepened. "No, you do know what I'm saying. What's going on, Nines?"

Nines opened his mouth to answer but then winced again, and this time he hunched over when his hand flew up to his ear.

"What's wrong?" quickly asked Connor, concerned anew when he remembered that Nines had gotten more damaged than usual.

"...It's too loud," Nines answered in a tense voice. "There's feedback." 

Connor hesitated shortly and then grabbed him by the shoulder. "Okay, we'll talk about this later. Go back and get repaired, I'll stay here until backup arrives."

"I can't leave you alone when-"

"You can," Connor cut him off. "They're all down for the count. I'm not going to let you stay here for any longer than necessary when your faulty audio processor is shrieking right into your head, which is worrying enough by itself, not to mention that you got tazed and you're still bleeding from the face. Go, Nines."

Nines didn't budge even when Connor tried to shove him, but when Connor looked up he saw that it wasn't out of belligerence. Nines looked surprised.

"What?" asked Connor.

"...You're worried about me?" asked Nines.

"You'd know I have reason to be if you got a good look at yourself," retorted Connor.

"But I'm the better model."

Connor would have taken offense to hearing the statement which he really never cared to hear, but Nines wasn't saying it like he was reminding Connor of his place. He was saying it quietly, like an argument he didn't want to use, almost like something he was ashamed to have to say but needed to anyway because he had to convince him- about what, Connor had no idea. It was strange.

Connor gazed at him for a few seconds and then pushed at him again. "Just leave. We'll talk later, okay?"

Nines didn't move an inch. His expression was a bit lost, and also wary, as if Connor was somehow trying to confuse him. His lips parted to say something but then he was interrupted again by the feedback of his broken audio processor, and Connor took advantage of that.

"There, see? You should go. You're in no state to hold a conversation with me right now."

Nines recovered and peered down at him, and then he nodded. "Yes. All right. I'll go."

"Don't worry about the report, I'll handle that on my own. We can talk about whatever this was over a cup of thirium tomorrow," suggested Connor, not really knowing what was possessing him to do this but feeling like it was a necessary step he needed to take because Nines surely wouldn't take it himself. "Just send me a place and a time when you're ready."

Nines stilled mid-step, glanced back at him, and quickly nodded before leaving for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- 05/11/2020 -
> 
> Hey pumpkin!  
> I had some ideas for a continuation where Connor and Nines talk things out and get a clearer read on each other's feelings and why things turned out the way they did between them. And I do want to write some more traditionally shippy stuff for them!
> 
> There are still these two prompts left over that I might want to use for this story:  
> \- "Jealous Connor. Just all hissy and jealous when someone is flirting with Nines, and he wraps his arm around Nines like "back off he's mine""  
> \- "A peculiar first date"
> 
> We'll see where it goes~
> 
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	2. Better Model

Night was falling when Connor walked into the bar with a vague sense of déjà-vu. He hadn't expected Nines to suggest a place like this for their conversation, but when he entered the place he realized that it was mostly deserted. Not a very popular spot, then. If their talk was about to be the private and personal kind then this was better than other, busier public spaces and definitely better than the DPD's break room which Connor had originally thought they'd go to. He saw Nines staring at him from his seat in the corner so he went to join him. 

The RK900's dark blue overcoat was laid over the seat on his side and he'd gone back to wearing his usual black turtleneck. Connor himself had gone to quickly change back into his usual plain gray suit jacket, white button-up shirt and jeans after he'd finished his report to the captain. He'd also modified the features of his face back into his own early on, while he'd been waiting for the backup, since his cover had already been blown. Connor felt much better as himself.

Nines watched him sit down across from him and said: "How are you?"

Polite and neutral, a general inquiry which Connor usually discredited as flat and insincere when it came from him. He considered it differently now after seeing that Nines really did seem to care for him to some degree. 

Connor settled an arm on the table. "I'm okay. And you? What did the technician say?"

Nines hadn't told him the results of the repairs through their comms system. He could have done it, and Connor could've asked, but they normally didn't and all of this still felt too brand new to justify changes in their behavior.

"He did his best to fix my audio processor but said that I may experience small amounts of feedback in the future, and that hopefully my systems would adapt to that defect."

"And the rest?"

"Effects of electrical shock don't linger as long as I don't go through too many. As for the damage to my face, there wasn't much to do."

Connor nodded. "You self-repaired?"

"Yes."

"Okay." Connor looked over at the bar and then at Nines. "Did you order anything yet?"

"No."

"All right." 

Connor spun around on his seat to get up and walked over to the counter to place his orders with the barman, a cordial Jerry who set to pouring him the drinks with pronounced enthusiasm. His name tag read Harry. It wasn't a mystery why the place was deserted: the only possible drink to ask was plain thirium. There weren't any human drinks, but Connor had expected as much when he'd seen the "only androids" sign outside. It wasn't as forbidding a sign as the ones he'd seen in human bars where androids weren't welcome; there'd been colorful flowers drawn all around it.

"Can I ask you a question?" Connor finally ventured.

Harry looked up at him brightly. "Yes?"

"Why create a bar where you can only serve thirium?"

"For the atmosphere," answered Harry. "I know this doesn't look like much since no one else is there, but I'm sure it'll catch on. Wouldn't it be nice to have a place like the humans have, but only for androids? Somewhere to talk and laugh where other people talk and laugh."

He looked proud of the concept and Connor considered it for a second. "I suppose."

"Besides, didn't you hear? They're trying to come up with different sorts of thirium we could drink. Some say there's even some depressants in the works." Harry lifted two blue glasses off the counter to hand them to Connor. "Here's hoping!"

Connor accepted them and said: "Good luck, then."

"Thanks!"

Connor made his way back to the table and set Nines' glass in front of him. "Here you go."

Nines stared at it and didn't touch it. "Thank you."

Connor put down his own glass without taking a sip. "So, can we talk about earlier?"

Nines didn't look up at him. There was no notable change in his attitude, but that avoidance alone made Connor relatively certain that Nines wasn't very comfortable with this topic of discussion.

"We can," Nines answered anyway.

Connor crossed his arms on the table. "Where should we start?"

Nines kept his hands out of view, clasped in his lap. "I don't know. You're the one who suggested this."

"That's true. Then I'll ask a question first."

"Go ahead."

"Nines, why did you look so scared?"

"I was worried that you would get badly damaged. I shouldn't let weaker models get damaged when I'm around."

Nines still hadn't looked up. It sounded like a rehearsed answer.

"Yes, but I've seen you intervene many times for that same reason and I've never seen you look like that before."

"There was a possibility I would fail. My systems weren't functioning correctly because of the electrical shock and I couldn't calculate the course of action I needed to take."

Connor stared at him even though Nines wasn't staring back. "Have you never had to face the possibility of failure before?"

"I have, but then I knew what to expect. There were too many unknowns earlier and I am not used to that."

"Okay," said Connor with a nod. This made better sense than what he'd thought, and it both reassured and annoyed him for some reason. He couldn't tell if he was annoyed more at himself or at Nines. "So it wasn't because you were scared for me in particular."

Nines' blue gaze finally flickered up to Connor's face, and that was when Connor realized what he'd let escape from his mouth. 

Nines didn't say anything.

Connor stayed silent too, because he'd sort of hoped for an answer and wasn't sure where to go from there. Then he thought about the past months and how tiring it was to constantly expect Nines to openly humiliate him for being a less performative model, and how frustrated he felt that Nines didn't want to at least let them attempt to be closer than _just_ colleagues when he was cordial with everyone else in their workplace.

"I'm fed up with this thing between us," he suddenly said. "Nines, if you've got a problem with me then you might as well say it. I want this settled. Why do you dislike me so much?"

Nines' eyes widened a fraction. "I don't-" He suddenly cut himself off, jaw clenching, and then he averted his gaze again and his tense shoulders slumped minutely.

Connor frowned. "You don't what? You don't dislike me? I find that hard to believe given the way you've been acting towards me."

There was a long silence. Then Nines quietly said, in a voice that sounded reproachful: "You dislike me too, Connor."

Connor drew back slightly, surprised by the accusation. "Why would I appreciate someone who's been consistently cold to me?"

Nines frowned too and lifted his stare to Connor's face. "I'm not the one who wanted things to be like this."

"Are you saying I am?" disbelievingly said Connor.

"Yes!"

After a bewildered beat, Connor said: "Nines, I have no idea what you're talking about. You're the one who's never allowed our conversations to go beyond the scope of our work. You ignore me when we're in a group unless it's for practical reasons that you need to talk to me. How am I the one who started this?"

Nines stared at him and then shook his head and looked away. He looked conflicted.

"Nines," Connor tried again. "I'm really trying to understand here. I can't guess what you mean by that if you don't tell me."

The crease in Nines' brow deepened. He was the one crossing his arms now. After a while had passed he murmured: "You're the one who dislikes me. I never disliked you."

Connor wanted to ask "How?" or "Why?" or even "What are you going on about?", but instead he stayed silent and waited. This was not what he'd expected walking into this bar. He hadn't even imagined that Nines had an issue with being disliked by Connor, and even less that Nines thought _Connor_ was the one initiating the cold tension between them.

Nines' arms tightened across his chest. "You never did like me from the moment I was introduced to you."

Connor's eyes widened when it hit him. "From back then? Nines, you told me you understood it yourself that I was worried you'd take my place! Maybe we could've gotten to knew each other if you hadn't suddenly decided that I wasn't worth your attention for no apparent reason!"

"There _was_ a reason," defensively said Nines, his voice going deeper with warning. "I didn't take a decision out of thin air that I needed to keep my distance."

"Then what was it?" asked Connor.

Nines' gaze was hard, but he lowered it to the table and resentfully said: "I'm the better model."

It made no sense to Connor why he was saying that, but there it was again, that thin thread of shame laced in Nines' voice. He was supposed to be proud, to boast, it was _Connor_ who was the ashamed one. This didn't make any sense.

"What?"

"You hate me because I'm the better model." Nines' voice was quieter now, resigned, and he'd let his hands fall back in his lap. "I could see that it made you stressed whenever I came up to speak to you, and how you wanted to get it over with as fast as possible when I sought guidance from you. You didn't want to let me get to know you, either, but I thought that it would get better once you'd understand that I wasn't there to replace you. I didn't realize how much you hated my existence."

Connor frowned. "What do you mean?"

"...I heard you." Nines' shoulders hunched. "It wasn't my intention, but I overheard your conversation in the bathroom with the lieutenant when... you were afraid. You sounded very hurt. I wanted to help but I wasn't sure how, and then I heard you say that you couldn't stand to see me. And... other things."

Connor remembered the scene Nines was talking about. He could recall it with crystal clarity, a memory file neatly aligned with all those that came before and after, and he felt momentarily mortified that Nines witnessed that moment of weakness which Connor hadn't even been able to keep to himself for later after work. It was Hank who'd found him panicking in one of the bathroom stalls and asked him what was wrong.

_"I can't, Hank, every time I see him I'm reminded that I failed. I was never good enough, CyberLife was always planning this no matter what I did! He's better than me! Captain Fowler, everyone working here, even you- You're going to choose him! You're going to choose him, and it won't matter how hard I try, it'll always be **him**."_

_"Connor, come on, you know we're not going to replace you. I'd never get rid of you, you're my partner! I'm definitely not gonna choose to work with your literal upgrade instead of you, do you even realize how fucked up that would be?"_

_"It would be **normal** , Hank! It's what you're supposed to do! He is my **upgrade**!"_

_"Okay, Connor, you have to calm down. We don't reason in models and upgrades, you hear me? You're a person, and you're the person I chose to be my friend and partner. That's it."_

_"I'm sorry, Hank, I can't. I just can't. I'm so scared. He'll always be there and he's always going to be a threat and I can't ignore it, I can't stop thinking about it, I don't want him here. I don't. I can't help it, I don't want him here."_

Connor stared at Nines as the file played out in his mind. The RK900 looked almost vulnerable in the way he held himself, his voice had been unmistakably hurt upon mentioning the scene, and his eyes were carefully downcast as if afraid of the reaction Connor would show him.

Nines continued. "So I understood that you didn't want me to be your friend. And I understood that I'd never be more than a danger to you, like everyone else seems to think I'd just crush them if I felt like it." 

He sounded bitter all of a sudden, but there was a darkness to it like a profound hurt that Connor was only catching a glimpse of. 

"It hurt less to stay far from you, that way we'd have no chance of having anything that resembled friendship and I wouldn't feel hopeful about you liking me. And I thought that if I stopped trying to get closer to you, then you'd feel less uncomfortable."

Connor didn't want to believe that this was all it was, all it had been from the start. He argued: "You don't like me because I'm worthless compared to you. I know you think I'll never be as good as you."

Nines looked up at him, his eyes hurt and tired. "Of course I never thought you should be as good as me. You're a prototype. You simply can't be." Nines slowly shook his head. "I never once considered you ' _worthless_ ', quite the contrary." He laughed mirthlessly. "It's ironic that you thought I was the one who hated you when my feelings are on the complete opposite of that spectrum."

Connor pushed himself back in his seat because he needed the distance, for some reason. He quickly shook his head. "You don't like me. You never have!"

"I was keeping my distance," quietly repeated Nines. "Are you saying you would've liked us to be friendlier coworkers, despite all that you said to Lieutenant Anderson?"

Connor sat there dumbfounded. Had it really been a misunderstanding, just a matter of bad communication as his opinion on Nines had shifted with time? It seemed so stupid. Had he talked to Nines about this sooner, maybe Connor would have understood that it wasn't dislike that made Nines so cold towards him. Maybe their relationship could've gotten better much earlier if he'd had the courage to confront Nines like he had in this conversation. 

And it had taken Nines getting ran over, tazed and beaten for Connor to even realize that something was up. Connor had always known he wasn't very good at feelings, but he _was_ an investigative model. How had he not realized that there had to have been a reason for Nines' change of behavior back then? He'd had a lot of his own issues to deal with, sure, but he'd never even tried to consider that beyond that polite facade and RK900 model number, Nines was a deviant just like him; a newly activated deviant at that, with feelings and doubts and no friends to rely on like Hank had been for Connor.

Connor replied, "Yes! I _did_ want us to get along the way you get along with everyone else. People change, Nines, I don't think the same way about you as I used to."

Nines looked lost again, that same look he'd had at the car crash scene. "But you still consider me a threat, don't you?"

"No, not anymore. Not like before," answered Connor. 

He was gradually noticing a pattern in his past interactions with Nines: how he'd been so absorbed in all his doubts about his worth that he'd believed without question that Nines would feel the same way about him. It wasn't Nines' intention to make Connor feel bad about himself every time he succeeded in something Connor didn't. It wasn't his fault. A nasty jolt hit Connor when he suddenly realized that he'd been treating Nines similarly to the way deviants had been treating Connor after the Liberation, considering him a threat even though he never wanted to be what CyberLife had intended him to be ever again.

"You dislike me," insisted Nines.

Connor shook his head and repeated: "Not anymore. Listen, Nines, this conversation changes a lot of things. I'm not going to be treating you the way I was treating you only this morning when it's obvious we both believed things about each other that weren't true."

Nines looked like he wanted to say something, but in the end he just silently nodded.

"You said that you felt the opposite of disliking me," stated Connor. "But I've never been especially nice to you, so I don't see why you'd like me."

Nines straightened a bit. "But you were, Connor. You answered my questions and you did help me understand about how the world went, early on, when I'd been deviant from the start without really knowing what that meant. It also helped that you were the previous model for our line, I felt less alone."

Connor frowned. "But that was only the first few weeks."

"It meant a lot to me," said Nines.

"So what did you do when we stopped?"

"I befriended the rest of the DPD like I saw you'd done. Some of them helped me too when I had questions."

"So you made friends, right?"

"We get along, but I don't think we qualify as friends," Nines thoughtfully said. "The humans of the DPD don't seem to wish for friendship with deviants."

That was true. Aside from Hank, who was a reformed android hater, and Officer Wilson, who was generally kind to everyone no matter their human or android nature, not many officers were willing to joke around with androids the way they did with their human coworkers.

"And androids?"

Nines hesitated. "...No."

"What do you mean?"

"Androids don't seem to like me very much," admitted Nines. "In or out of the workplace."

He didn't say more, but Connor understood what that meant and he felt stupid for not thinking of it sooner. The only deviant friends he had himself were Markus and Josh. Most others were wary of him and it made sense that they'd be wary of Nines, too.

"But the deviants working here have gotten to know me," Connor said, perplexed. "We had a good work relationship even before you showed up. Why would that be different for you?"

"Well, you thought that I'd replace you. Perhaps they thought the same. They've always seemed a bit uncomfortable whenever I interact with them." Nines lowered his gaze. "And I am imposing, so I don't insist. I don't want to scare anyone."

"...That sounds like you've been rather lonely, all things considered."

"I have Detective Reed to occupy my thoughts," wryly said Nines, and Connor hadn't expected him to reference his rocky relationship with his work partner with such obvious annoyance.

They were both quiet for a while.

Connor said: "I still don't get why you like me. Why would you still want to be friends with me after what happened?"

Nines shook his head and stated: "I don't _want_ to become anything you don't want us to become."

"Okay, but I feel like we could try to get closer now that we've cleared the air," said Connor.

Nines stilled, gazing at him in shock. "You do?"

"Yes. That's why I'm wondering why you still like me after all that, when you've explained to me that you established that distance to avoid getting hurt by false hope. Wouldn't it have been easier to feel angry at me for saying those things?"

"No," said Nines. "I didn't feel angry at you. I just felt sad."

Connor was surprised to note that now that they could talk normally, it turned out that Nines had the ability to be very earnest about his feelings. He never would've guessed. Connor himself was definitely not so honest about his emotions, whether it was with himself or with others.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings," apologized Connor. "I wish you hadn't heard that."

"It happened," simply said Nines. "There's nothing we can do to change that. And you asked me why I liked you, Connor. The truth is that I admire you as a person. I've always felt a deep respect for the things you did to help Markus' cause, and the more I got to know you, the more I realized that you were truly that person."

"I tried to kill him before that," Connor muttered, old guilt and self-loathing rising on the horizon like dark clouds. "I've killed many innocent deviants, Nines. I'm not a good person."

"I think you are," said Nines with no hesitation.

"But I'm not. So there's no reason for you to like me when the only reason you do is because you see me as someone I'm not."

"That's not true."

Connor frowned at him. 

Nines dropped his gaze. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, I can stop if you want. I understand that you wouldn't want to be liked by me."

"No," quickly said Connor. "The problem isn't you, Nines. This needs to be clear between us, I get it now. I get that you wanted to be friends. It's not a bad thing to want that, Nines, I just-" 

He stopped himself. He knew what he'd been doing just now: trying to convince another person that he was unlikeable, that nothing good would ever come out of caring for him because he didn't deserve that kind of kindness and it would always be misplaced as long as it was directed at him. Josh and Hank kept telling him that he was wrong to think that way, and even though Markus understood, he also tried to help Connor deal differently with his guilt. This wasn't the right way.

Connor ended up saying: "Forget that I asked why you liked me. We can be friends, Nines. It's fine."

"Really?"

Connor was taken aback by how hopeful Nines seemed, even if his voice was calm and steady as always. His face was an open book and it made the RK900 look younger, somehow. Which he was. Connor realized he'd never taken that into account, either. It was so odd to see Nines act this way when Connor had always seen him composed at every moment.

Connor said: "Yes, really."

In that moment Connor finally knew what it felt like to see Nines smiling at him.

"Thank you," said Nines.

It felt extremely disarming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- 09/11/2020 - 
> 
> Connor: You don't like me.  
> Nines: No, _you_ don't like me!  
> Hank, in the window: *holds up [spiderman meme](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/njq3JF00Zjs/maxresdefault.jpg)*
> 
> Hey pumpkin!  
> \- And here we have a taste of Connor's mental health issues, as is tradition in my household. Fair warning, usually when I write him I go with a game path where he's died a few times. Just so you know.  
> \- Nines also doesn't have a super great self esteem but that's because he's been very lonely without realizing it. He's internalized a lot of other people's reactions to him.  
> \- They're good soft boys inside and now that they can be friends, I'm sure they'll be very soft with each other from now on~
> 
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	3. I Always Have

It was a lot easier working with Nines when it didn't feel like there was an invisible trench between them. In fact, beyond his stoic and collected demeanor, the RK900 was surprisingly chatty. It was like talking to a different person, except that Connor knew that the reason it felt this way to him was because he'd never tried to get to know Nines when he was more himself. Connor had already noticed even when Nines had been guarded and curt that he was a rather optimistic problem-solver. This side of him now shone like a blinding spotlight. Nines wasn't just optimistic, he was a _very_ hopeful person, and Connor understood better why Nines had been afraid to allow himself to hope about Connor. He didn't half-ass it. Connor soon learned that Nines even hoped that he'd become friends with Detective Reed in time, though that didn't stop him from being just as stern and reprimanding towards his human partner as always when it was often necessary.

Nines was intelligent, and he was pragmatic, and he knew not to let his emotions get the better of him; but there were times during their conversations where Connor was hit all over again with the realization that Nines was inexperienced and naive, especially in regards to social bonds. It quickly became appearent that Nines saw good in most people and that he was very eager to help lonely individuals, and Connor couldn't help but wonder if that was because of what Nines' life was like: constantly trying not to frighten people because of his model, and often lonely because no one cared to push past it.

Connor would be lying if he didn't concede that he felt bad about the way he'd treated Nines in the past. He was trying to make it up to him. He made sure he was present whenever Nines needed advice and he tried to spend more time with him during breaks, suggesting that they go to New Jericho together so Nines got to know more people, and Connor had even asked Josh if he could help Nines feel more at ease. Nines had been happy to help in the compound when they eventually gave him a task so he could be part of the team that was responsible for it, and the group of AP700s had been elated to see Connor and meet Nines. It had reassured Connor to see that they were as accepting of Nines as they'd been of him.

He also noticed, in the beginning, the cautious manner in which Nines held himself for their first encounter as he stayed in retreat behind Connor, serious as always but never as obtruding as he could be at work. It was like he was trying to make himself look less imposing, a feat which was essentially impossible because of his stature, and Connor wondered if Nines did that every time he met new androids. He quickly learned that this was indeed the case. It was useless but Nines still tried, as if he'd integrated some sort of belief that people would always be afraid of him as their first reaction because of his size and strength and durability. Connor wouldn't have been surprised if that had been the case when Nines had been activated, with the Revolution still fresh in the android population's collective mind and the deviant hunter only recently working by the leaders' side.

Once the AP700s showed that they didn't mind Nines at all, however, he became more open and began smiling when they laughed. It had come to Connor's attention that he felt envious of Nines' easy smile, and also of those who caused it. Connor didn't smile that often and he couldn't grin the way others expressed their mirth, for one, and secondly, he'd yet to master the art of making people laugh. So he just watched and hoped that one day he'd be the one to amuse Nines, and that when that time would come he'd be able to laugh with him.

Sometimes it wasn't that easy going along with Nines, because Nines' stubborn optimism could be as refreshing as it could be blinding and sometimes downright frustrating, but Connor didn't blame him for it. Nines hadn't lived in a world when androids were mere machines. He didn't know the details of what Connor had gone through. It was normal that he didn't have the same negative view as Connor had on many aspects of their life. That didn't mean Connor could easily accept when Nines spent so much time and energy trying to get to Detective Reed's so-called ' _good side_ ', which Connor severely doubted even existed in the first place.

Connor frowned to himself and turned away from the sight of Nines talking with his rude partner at the end of the bullpen. Detective Reed still insisted on calling them tin cans. He was one of the few that still let the derogatory term slip, and he was the only one who did it consistently. Captain Fowler didn't seem to think it was worthy of an intervention and this frustrated Connor. He'd always had a hard time tolerating the detective, but lately it had gotten even more difficult because Connor could stand less and less the fact that Nines had such a disrespectful partner when he deserved much better.

He heard heavy footsteps come close at his back and looked away from his monitor to see Nines coming to a stop next to him. 

"Hello, Connor," he greeted him first, and then he nodded at Hank. "Hello, Lieutenant Anderson."

Connor swivelled to face him and said, "Hello, Nines," while Hank lifted a hand in greeting.

Nines looked back at him. "How are you today?"

"Good, thank you. Is everything all right with the detective?" asked Connor.

Nines threw a glance in his partner's direction. "You know how it goes." Then he turned to him again. "Do you think we could take the lunch break together? I got a gift from a person I work with in New Jericho and I was wondering if we could share it."

Connor had two questions, one of which would probably seem meddlesome, so he just went with: "What is it?" It wasn't like it was any of his concern who decided to give Nines gifts.

"He called it thirium candy," said Nines. "It's brand new, apparently. He got a crate for free from a friend and we all got a bag each."

So it was a collective gift. Connor felt somewhat reassured by that.

"Sure, of course we can take the break together."

A happy smile graced Nines' lips. "Great. I'll see you later, then."

"See you, Nines."

The tall android walked away and Connor spun back around to his monitor, and then he stilled when he noticed Hank gazing at him with a little smile. He knew that smile. It was the _I know something you don't_ smile and it usually meant that Hank was about to torment him before finally telling him what was up.

Connor crossed his arms on the table and asked: "What?"

Hank chuckled lightly to himself.

"What?" repeated Connor.

Hank leaned back in his chair and raised both eyebrows at him. "What, what?"

"Hank, if you've got something to say to me, you're allowed to say it. In fact I highly encourage it," deadpanned Connor.

Hank grinned. "You don't think Nines' been hanging around a whole lot lately?"

"We're friends now," stated Connor. "I've told you this already."

Hank laughed shortly, and he looked genuinely entertained. "Come on. You haven't noticed the way he behaves with you?"

Connor frowned in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Connor," said Hank in an equally chiding and teasing tone. "He goes out of his way to say hello to you and ask you how you're feeling."

Connor still didn't understand what Hank was getting at. "He's polite with everyone, Lieutenant, I'm not special."

Hank threw out his hands and exclaimed: "He's sharing his candy with you!"

"Again, I'm his friend." Connor was growing more and more perplexed by the second. "I really don't understand what you're trying to say."

"God, you're so dense. So you're gonna tell me that the reason he lights up like a tree on Christmas morning whenever you two talk is also because you're friends?"

Connor hesitated, feeling like his answer probably wouldn't be the one Hank wanted to hear.

"...Yes."

Hank groaned and rubbed his face, then he let his hand drop and eyed Connor suspiciously. "You're not trying to mess with me, are you?"

"Not at all," truthfully said Connor. 

"Connor, the guy's obviously got a crush on you. He likes you, and it's not just the friendly type of like, you get me?"

It took Connor a few seconds to fully envision the extent of Hank's suggestion, and he promptly dismissed it. "I don't think that's it."

"What? Why?" 

Connor thought it was evident. "Why would that be the case? At the very most, I was made to look aesthetically pleasing so that people would trust me more easily and I could understand if someone found me physically attractive, but Nines has a similar face as mine. Why would he be attracted to me?"

Hank looked truly exasperated all of a sudden. "Because he likes who you are? Connor, you're a great guy, don't sell yourself short like this."

"Whatever the case, I really think you're mistaken."

"Sure," said Hank. "How about you go ahead and ask him? And then if you're still not convinced, I want you to come back and tell me exactly what his reaction was so I can tell you exactly how damn oblivious you are."

"...Right," said Connor, certain that Hank would end up having nothing interesting to say even if Connor did ask Nines about it. 

"Oh, _but_ if it ends up obvious even to you that I was right about Nines, what would you do?"

"Are you asking me to devise a plan for an eventuality that has no chance of happening?"

"Hey, humor me, you humorless prick. Do you even know what's supposed to happen when someone likes you?"

"No. To tell you the truth, Lieutenant, I've never had a reason to learn anything about it."

"Well you do now. A date, Connor. You boys get along well, you could go on a date and see if it works out. Do you know what a date is?"

Connor looked it up and briefly nodded. "Of course. A social meeting planned in advance between two people who might have a romantic relationship, in this context."

"Sound less natural about it, will you?" Hank said with a crooked smile. "But yeah, you've got the right idea."

"Nines and I could not be in a romantic relationship."

"Why not? You don't even know what it's like. And Nines' a nice enough guy, isn't he?"

Connor looked back at his screen and stated: "That's not the question. I don't think anyone should be in a romantic relationship with me."

"Why the hell not?"

Connor didn't answer.

"Oh, you're doing that thing again, I can tell." Hank scooted his seat over to Connor and grabbed him by the shoulder. "You're a _great_ guy, Connor, believe me. You're allowed to have nice things too, you know?"

Connor plucked Hank's hand away from his shoulder without looking and flatly said: "I know. You keep telling me."

He joined up with Nines at lunch break, just like they'd planned, and Connor watched the other android set a sealed plastic bag on the table and then flatten his black pants pocket back into shape. They were both in their more relaxed work attire, having respectively left gray jacket and blue coat on the backs of their seats at their desks, and Connor had rolled up the sleeves of his white button-up shirt on Hank's advice because he said it made him look like less of a stuck-up. Nines quickly tugged on his high collar to adjust it out of habit and then focused on the bag of candy. He looked very serious as he gently grabbed the left upper corner and started to pull, and Connor realized he was making sure not to use too much force to rip it open. He felt his lips lightly curl at the observation. 

Nines rarely applied excessive force even if it was an easy thing for him to do. The only time Connor had directly seen him do something that he'd qualify as excessive was when Nines had jumped out of a police vehicle to grab the tail end of a speeding car in which five armed criminals had been escaping. His long blue overcoat flapping in the wind, he'd forced it to screech to a halt after a few yards and had effectively put an end to the high-speed pursuit. Nines' feet had needed only slight repairs even though he'd dug deep furrows in the asphalt, and he'd been asked not to do that again because of the road damage. Nines had already decided on his own that he wouldn't, because it had annoyed him to have damaged his shiny black shoes.

Nines gently tore the plastic open and then lifted the bag, looking at Connor with excitement in his blue eyes. "Here, give me your hand."

Connor reached out a cupped palm and Nines tipped three small deep blue marbles in it.

"Thanks," said Connor.

"You're welcome," lightly said Nines as he took one for himself, and then he set the bag down and looked at Connor again. "This is my first time eating something solid."

"Me too." Connor studied the candy, rolling it back and forth in his hand. "Are we just supposed to swallow it?"

"The others crunched it with their teeth," Nines explained. "Then they swallowed it once it was in very little pieces."

Connor hesitated. "It might damage my mouth to do that."

There was a beat of silence, and then Nines quietly said: "That's true. I'm sorry, I didn't think of that."

Connor glanced at him and saw that Nines looked worried, so he hastily added: "But this dissolves in the thirium stream, right?"

"It should. I don't know how long it takes for full pieces."

"That's fine, they'll just stay stuck before the filter for a little bit before then."

Nines was visibly reassured by Connor's reasoning and he nodded in relief.

"Let's try it." Connor lifted one of the round candies to his lips and saw Nines do the same, and then he focused on the sensation of it rolling over his lower lip onto his tongue. 

It was smooth and cool and almost perfectly spherical, and Connor was pleasantly surprised by the click of it against the back of his teeth. He pensively pressed it against his palate and read the notifications that popped up on his HUD on the traces of thirium it left behind against his tongue, and he noted that it was factory setting thirium. A loud crunch pulled him out of his thoughts and he saw that Nines' eyes were wide, and then happy, and Nines bit down again with another crunch, and another, and soon all Connor could hear was small pieces of solidified thirium getting ground into powder between Nines' teeth. Connor rolled the marble around his mouth for a little longer before finally swallowing it. It slipped down his throat and settled just below, blocked by the thin mesh of the filter before his voice box.

"How is it?" he asked Nines.

Nines' delight was visible in the brightness of his eyes and the smile on his lips, even if he was standing straight and calm like always. 

"I like it."

Connor had to agree. "It's nice."

Nines was already putting his second candy to his mouth and he eagerly crunched down on it. 

Connor realized something and asked: "So you waited to come here and try it with me, instead of eating it with the others?"

Nines looked at him and nodded.

Connor considered this. He waited for Nines to finish his second candy before stating: "Lieutenant Anderson said you behaved like you had a crush on me."

Nines stilled just as he was picking up the third blue marble and his fingers closed around it, both hands folding and lowering to the table. He stared at Connor with wide eyes it took a moment for Connor to realize that Nines' cheeks were slowly coloring a faint tinge of cyan because he was blushing. Connor had seen that happen before. For example, the android working at the reception blushed when Officer Wilson gave her compliments. 

Only, Connor hadn't given Nines a compliment. Perplexed, he asked: "Why are you blushing?"

Nines lifted a hand to his cheek, his gaze flickered off to the side and then back to Connor, then dropped to the table, then returned to his face.

Eventually Nines said: "I think I'm embarrassed."

"Why?"

"Because the lieutenant is right."

Connor also lowered his pieces of candy to the table. He couldn't help the disbelief that colored his voice. "He is?"

Nines nodded. "I'm not sure when it started, but I've liked you for a while. I think I always have."

Connor stood there, not really knowing what to say or do, completely taken aback. "You _like_ me? As in, you're attracted to me?"

"Yes," said Nines, and then he suddenly tensed. "Is that all right?"

"Why do you like me?" blankly said Connor.

Nines looked unsure. "I just do. I like a lot of things about you, and I feel a certain way when I think about you, and someone told me that me that it was probably because I had a crush on you. But if you don't want it, then I can... We can just move past it. We can still be friends despite this, can't we? I didn't mean to ruin anything. I do want us to be friends."

Connor noticed the urgency in those last words and he realized that Nines' voice, while as steady and deep as usual, was starting to sound a little scared. It hadn't been his intention to make Nines feel bad about anything at all so he tried to recover from his shock as best as he could and said: "No, of course you didn't ruin anything. It's all right, Nines, I just didn't expect it."

"I didn't think it was that obvious," admitted Nines. "I didn't think the lieutenant would notice."

"He said I was dense for not noticing it myself."

And it was pretty obvious even to Connor that Hank had been right. Nines had said it, after all: he did like Connor, more than Connor had thought he ever would from the sound of it. He was still bewildered that anyone could feel appreciation towards him at all and he could feel something dark and familiar roiling deep at the bottom of himself, but he couldn't afford to fall into it now. The guilt and self-hatred was always there, it could wait for a few more minutes; right now he needed to get a grasp on the situation. Nines' feelings for him had come out of left field and he was floundering.

"Is that all right?" repeated Nines. "You look perturbed."

"It's fine," Connor reassured him again. "It's fine."

"I didn't think it would shock you like this. I never questioned whether what I was feeling was good or bad so I didn't realize that it could have a negative effect on the person I liked," apologetically said Nines. 

Connor wondered if the reason Nines had gone along with his feelings so easily was because he'd been deviant from the moment he'd been activated and only had had a handful of months to learn about emotions so far. Connor didn't think this kind of 'like' that Nines was describing as his feelings towards him was that common. It wasn't like getting sad or scared or angry.

"I never thought anyone would like me the way you say you do," confessed Connor. "So this is very unexpected and entirely new territory for me. I don't think I could even tell you how I'm feeling right now."

Nines smiled a little. "I think mostly confused."

Connor gazed at him, thought about how completely blindsided he'd been by Nines' confession, of how utterly unprepared he was for any of this, and came to the conclusion that Nines' assessment was completely correct.

"You're right."

"We don't have to change anything," said Nines. "But it feels better now that you know. I think I'm happy that you know, even though I wasn't sure I would be if it happened. I think I'm mostly happy that you're fine with it."

Connor wasn't sure how to act. He wasn't equipped to deal with receiving this kind of feelings and he definitely didn't know if he was capable of reciprocating in any way. Josh had told him that he was emotionally stunted because of how he'd been trained to work for CyberLife and Amanda, and if there was one thing that had become clear to Connor over the last weeks he'd gotten closer to Nines, it was that Nines wasn't mature in all aspects. He really wasn't sure what they were getting into there.

"I'll be honest," he said out loud, "I'm really not sure what we're getting into here."

A small, deep laugh escaped Nines and he said: "Me neither."

Connor remembered what Hank had told him. They needed to see if it would work out. He said: "Nines."

"Yes?"

"Do you think we should go on a date together?"

Nines' clear blue eyes widened, and then he carefully said: "Would you like to?"

Connor considered his question. Did he? Spending some time with Nines outside of the DPD or New Jericho, in a place where neither of them would have duties to think about, didn't sound too bad at all. He ended up nodding firmly.

"I think it would be good to do so. Maybe we'll have an easier time figuring it out then."

Nines' lips stretched into a joyful smile and the room seemed brighter all of a sudden.

"Then I'd love to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- 15/11/2020 -
> 
> Nines, hand in a candy bag: _fuc_  
>  Connor, holding Nines' wrist through the bag so he can't escape: What does it mean, Nines.  
> Nines:  
> Nines: *breaks all laws of physics and starts sweating*  
> (~courtesy of Lokiitama~)
> 
> Hey pumpkin!  
> Nines is so cute! He's the cutest! And listen, I know it's very popular to make him an ice king, but I like soft Nines who's very obvious and honest about his feelings and doesn't overthink it.  
> Connor has approximately the same sense of self-worth as a single piece of corn so prepare for a lot of emotional hurt/comfort
> 
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	4. A Peculiar First Date

Nines had looked up ideas for a first date. Many of them required being able to eat, or going somewhere with a lot of people, or getting very close. Nines didn't think Connor would enjoy places that were noisy and densely populated. He'd noticed before that although crowds didn't seem to make Connor uncomfortable per se, it made him tense and alert; maybe it had been because they'd been working each time they'd had to be together in a crowd, but Nines didn't want to take the chance. Connor hadn't shown any signs of liking Nines back so they couldn't do anything too intimate.

Nines had realized that although he was very admirative of Connor's diligence, selflessness, courage and many more of the RK800's qualities that would have taken minutes to list, and even though he wanted to be closer to him, he didn't know much about him because they'd never talked about anything unrelated to work. These were the consequences of his own actions after months of making sure that there wouldn't be a single chance for Connor to pretend that they could get along while he secretly hated Nines. Nines still thought of the words he'd heard spoken in frantic murmurs and raised voices back then and it still hurt to think about, but Connor had said things were different now. Nines needed to get past that.

He'd overheard Connor talking with other people in the workplace, notably with the lieutenant, so he knew that Connor liked Lieutenant Anderson's dog Sumo and that he also enjoyed gardening. Unfortunately, Nines really didn't care for dirt nor animals, so that information was no help to him in choosing the location of their date. He'd seen other suggestions like taking some kind of hobby class together, or attending a comedy show, or going bowling or ice skating, but he had no idea if Connor would like any of that. He'd resolved to ask Connor himself, but he was beaten to it when Connor came to him first and admitted in a tone that was slightly contrite:

"I don't know what you'd like to do on a date, Nines. I know I'm the one who suggested it but I can't choose the place on my own knowing there's a risk you wouldn't enjoy yourself. Did you have any ideas in mind?"

Nines felt touched to realize that they'd both had the same preoccupations, and he affectionately smiled at Connor. "I was trying to find something you'd like, too."

Connor's brown eyes were briefly uncertain, and then he said: "Wherever you want is fine."

"I want you to have a good time, as well," insisted Nines. He didn't like that Connor was acting like that didn't matter and he reproachfully added: "I didn't agree to this simply for myself, Connor. A date is something two people both participate in. It would be appreciated if you took your own comfort into account, I would hate to be selfish and choose something you had no interest in."

Connor looked surprised, and after a beat he said: "Sorry, I didn't mean to be inconsiderate." He averted his gaze and explained in a quieter voice: "I'm... not very good at knowing what I like best."

He almost sounded guilty saying that. Nines gazed at him, Connor's tone suddenly making him feel achingly sympathetic about something he didn't understand. Nines had never had a difficult time ranking certain things over others on the spectrum of likes and dislikes and he didn't think he could comprehend what exactly Connor meant by this, but Connor didn't sound like he'd be comfortable expanding on the matter and Nines figured they could work something out without those details.

"All right," he said. "If it can help us decide, I personally don't enjoy going in places where I might get dirty."

Connor looked up at him in surprise, as if he hadn't expected Nines to simply move on, and then his lips curled up lightly at the corners. His smiles were never very pronounced.

"I'd figured that much," he answered, amused. "Would you prefer if we chose an indoors activity, then?"

"If that's all right with you."

"That's not a problem. I asked the Lieutenant for some advice and he told me that two of his dates were at a skating rink and an aquarium."

"I've also seen the suggestion for a skating rink," said Nines. "We could try that. There might be a lot of people, however."

"Would that be an issue?"

Nines looked down at him. "You wouldn't mind it?"

"Why would I?" Connor seemed genuinely perplexed.

"Well, I thought that it might make you uncomfortable."

"Why?"

Nines hesitated. When he really thought about it, it wasn't just about Connor. "We could be having a good moment and then get recognized, and that might ruin it."

Connor's expression darkened, but only for a brief moment. 

"Then we wouldn't be going anywhere outside if we constantly worried about that. It's fine, Nines. If someone wants to cause trouble there, we'll do what it takes to stop it from getting out of hand." Then his eyes widened in realization and he looked up at Nines. "Is it that you don't want to be seen with me?"

"No!" exclaimed Nines. "Of course not, Connor! I just want to spend time with you, I don't care about what others might have to think about that. Why would it even matter for me to be seen with you? I don't have the best reputation either."

"Oh." Connor nodded slightly and looked away. "Yes, you're right."

Nines wanted to take his hand so he'd look at him again, so he could see what was on Connor's face, but he didn't think he could do that yet. Instead, he said: "So do we agree on the skating rink? Would Friday evening be all right?"

Connor nodded again. "Yes, okay. Friday night."

Nines gazed at him. "Is something wrong?"

Connor glanced up at him and curtly shook his head. "Nothing." 

Then he changed the subject to work, and Nines could tell from the way Connor averted his gaze again that it hadn't been nothing, but he didn't say it. He'd ask later. When it came to sensitive subjects, Connor always responded better if Nines asked the same question at a different time rather than forcing the issue while he was on the defensive. Nines didn't know if it was something he'd said or if it was something Connor had thought about on his own, but either way he wasn't willing to let Connor keep it to himself if it made him this closed off.

Friday evening came around and Nines had no choice but to spend it silently sitting in a car next to Detective Reed. It had simply been bad luck that they'd been assigned on a stakeout. Connor and Lieutenant Anderson were watching a different building. The surroundings were dark, completely untouched by the strings of city lights scattered in the distance. Nines wished it was Connor sitting next to him instead of the detective, who'd fallen asleep at 2:47AM, trusting Nines to keep watch on his own. It was progress considering Gavin had finally learned to accept that Nines was there to be his partner and not to take his job, but his rudeness persisted and he was definitely not the most pleasant company. He did have his moments. Snoring with his head tipped back in the middle of their stakeout was not one of them.

< _RK800: How are you doing?_ >

< _RK900: Still nothing on our side._ >

< _RK800: Same here, nothing new since 1:12AM._ >  
< _RK800: I'm sorry we couldn't go._ >

< _RK900: It's fine, the skating rink isn't gone. We can go another time._ >  
< _RK900: I was thinking that if we'd been in the same car, watching this view of the city, it could've been a little bit like a date._ >

< _RK800: Sightseeing on a stakeout. I don't think you would've found that in those suggestions you looked up._ >

< _RK900: It would be a peculiar first date._ >

There was a pause and Nines thought that they were done talking for now, but then Connor spoke again.

< _RK800: Do you think you'd enjoy sightseeing?_ >

Nines considered it. He didn't have any particular interest in landscapes but he supposed that if it was with Connor, then he'd gladly go. 

< _RK900: I think it could be nice._ >  
< _RK900: And you?_ >

< _RK800: I'm not completely sure._ >  
< _RK800: I like the city._ >  
< _RK800: I don't know about other places._ >

Nines pensively looked at his sleeping partner. He knew humans often felt the need to travel and he wondered if Detective Reed had seen any of the views that Nines had never experienced outside of pictures on the web. The human had said that he hadn't always lived in Detroit and Nines had heard him talk in a different dialect on the phone a handful of times, though he'd never explained where he came from. Nines had never known anything but the city's gray buildings and busy streets.

< _RK900: I've never been outside of Detroit._ >

< _RK800: Me neither._ >

Nines was not surprised by Connor's answer. He worked with New Jericho's leaders, there was no reason he would've attempted to travel after his deviation when he had so many responsabilities here in Detroit. As a machine, he would've been stuck here since his activation doing the work CyberLife ordered him to.

< _RK900: Have you ever wanted to leave?_ >

A pause.

< _RK800: Not really._ >

Nines wasn't sure how he felt about that. He'd half expected that Connor would say yes, because Nines was certain that this city was a place where Connor had made more bad memories than good given how reluctant he was to speak about past events, but then Nines realized that he'd also half-expected him to say no. Connor didn't like change. Nines couldn't imagine him voluntarily leaving the DPD, even less leaving Detroit itself. And there was the lieutenant, who Connor depended on.

The comms lapsed into silence again and Nines continued staring out the windshield into the night. Seconds trickled into minutes. Nines entertained the brief notion of smothering Detective Reed's face to stop the snoring for the fifteenth time that night but restrained himself. It would probably get him punched. It wouldn't inflict him any damage, but the detective had a tendency to hurt his hands that way and then sulk about it by being the most annoyingly uncooperative work partner in the world. It had taken Nines a bit to understand that Detective Reed blamed him for everything not because he genuinely thought that Nines was at fault, but because the detective didn't know how else to vent his frustration. It could be tiring to deal with. Best let him snore away for now.

About an hour later, Connor alerted him that the suspect had shown up and that he and the lieutenant were in pursuit. Nines shook Detective Reed by the shoulder, who jumped awake with a grunt of surprise and quickly blinked the sleep out of his eyes while Nines told him what was going on. They were driving away seconds later to back up Connor and Lieutenant Anderson, quickly joined by two more patrol cars, and after a chase of twelve minutes they finally cornered their target in the middle of a bridge. The man hurriedly stumbled out of his car and started running towards the edge.

Nines got out of the car, yelling: "He's going to jump!"

Connor was already sprinting after the man, fleet-footed in a way Nines would never be, and threw himself at his back to tackle him to the ground. They rolled to a stop a foot away from the railing and Nines rushed to help Connor apprehend the screaming, struggling human. He was only a few steps away when the cuffed suspect gathered his legs beneath him and shoved Connor to the side before lunging forward. Nines knew Connor was a light model but he still felt his pump stutter when the RK800's back crashed into the railing, momentarily fearing that it would somehow break. Instead, Connor slumped and quickly grabbed the metal bars to pull himself up. Nines ran past him and grabbed the human by the collar just as he was trying to fall over the railing, yanking him back and throwing him to the asphalt where he landed with a shout of pain. Lieutenant Anderson and Detective Reed were already there to grab him and Nines turned around to check on Connor, who'd stood back up and was staring down at the highway below them.

"Connor," he called as he came closer, and he noticed that the other android's grip was tight around the railing. He hadn't reacted to his name.

"Connor?"

Nines settled a hand on his shoulder and Connor's head jerked up, and he pushed himself away from the railing and stumbled a few steps back.

Concerned, Nines stepped in front of him and gently asked: "What's wrong?"

Connor's gaze flickered back and forth between him and edge of the bridge a few times before he finally straightened and shook his head as he quickly fixed his tie and jacket. "Nothing." 

He turned around to join the others, and Nines followed without a word. Lieutenant Anderson was already looking at them when they both approached and he must've seen what had happened between them, because he asked: "Everything all right, Connor?"

"I'm fine, Lieutenant."

The man didn't even try to pretend that he believed the bold-faced lie. "Sure." He glanced over his shoulder to check that the other officers had their suspect handled before grabbing Connor by the shoulder and pulling him off a little to the side behind his car. Nines didn't go with them because this was clearly supposed to be a private conversation, but he told himself that they would've known to go further if he really wasn't meant to overhear, so he listened in. Connor's reaction had made him worried and he wanted to know what it was that had just happened.

"You okay?" asked Lieutenant Anderson.

"I'm _fine,_ Hank. It's over."

"Connor, come on, I saw that. Since when do you have a fear of heights? You weren't afraid when you were running after that Rupert guy."

"Does it matter?"

A pause. "Yeah, you're right. You're sure you're okay?"

"Yes. I'd like to talk about something else, please."

"Okay, okay. Listen, uh... Wait. Nines, get over here!"

Nines looked back and saw that the lieutenant had stepped around the car. He nodded and came close, and Lieutenant Anderson guided him back to where Connor was waiting with his arms crossed, expression curious and just a little wary.

"What are you doing, Hank?"

The lieutenant looked at the both of them. "Okay, hear me out. I know you wanted to go on a date tonight and the stakeout kinda ruined it, but now that we've caught the guy, you could hang out here for a little longer. There's a nice park not far. Gavin and I can handle the report."

Nines said: "I don't think the detective will agree to that."

"Who gives a shit? He's an asshole. You had to spend hours with him in a car when you should've been having fun with Connor instead, you get a little break." Lieutenant Anderson gestured above them with his thumb. "You'll get a good sunrise up here, it's not gonna last long. No one will care if you come back to the precinct twenty minutes late."

Nines looked over to Connor, who uncertainly stared back and asked: "Would you like to do that, Nines?"

Nines was momentarily conflicted between his professionalism and the urge to be with Connor. The lieutenant was right: Detective Reed could handle making a report on his own for once, and Nines would much rather relax in Connor's company for a few minutes than have to immediately return by Gavin's side.

"Yes," said Nines.

Connor's features softened in his usual ghost of a smile. "Twenty minutes of sightseeing after a stakeout."

Nines smiled back. "Peculiar."

"It's settled," Lieutenant Anderson said, looking satisfied. He pulled out his phone. "I'm sending you the address for the park."

"Thanks, Hank," said Connor.

"Yeah yeah, don't mention it. You two have a good time." 

Lieutenant Anderson walked away to join the others and Nines and Connor were left standing just the two of them behind the car. They looked at each other.

"Let's go, then," said Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- 23/11/2020 -
> 
> Connor: oh hey a very high bridge, my trauma's favorite
> 
> Hey pumpkin!  
> Look at them, watching out for each other, wanting to make sure the date spot is good for the both of them. Aren't they cute?  
> Of course sometimes life gets in the way of going ice skating with your soon to be boyfriend, but hey, it's more interesting that way (don't worry, they're going to go to that skating rink eventually).  
> Hank is a lieutenant and dad and he's still got the time to be wingman on top of it all! Go Hank!
> 
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	5. Sunrise

Nines followed Connor off the bridge and then decided to walk at his side, stealing glances every now and again. Connor seemed okay on the surface but Nines could read that his stress levels were still a bit high. He hoped he would feel better once they stopped and watched the sunrise, far from this bridge and whatever it had reminded Connor of. The address Lieutenant Anderson had given him lead them up a climbing stretch of road and they reached a small park with five benches, a playground made up of one slide and one see-saw swing, and a gazebo set a little off to the side that was covered in climbing ivy. 

Connor stopped to gaze pensively at the playground while Nines went past him to inspect the gazebo. There were tiny yellow and small orange flowers amidst the wild grass scattered in the soil that surrounded it. The dark indigo sky was already turning dappled in pale blues and greens above his head and the ebbing daylight was cold, but he could imagine how bright these flowers looked when the sun was at its highest point. Nines stayed on the ground, where he was sure that his heavy weight wouldn't break any of the structure's old wooden floor. He heard the tumbling of pebbles and then whisper of footsteps against shorn lawn before Connor stopped next to him.

"I like these," said Connor.

Nines looked down at him and saw Connor crouch to touch one of the rounded orange petals.

"I have a friend in New Jericho whose favorite color is orange," said Connor. Then he tipped his head back to look at Nines. "Do you have one?"

Nines thought about it. There was only one he could think about on the spot. "I suppose I like brown quite a lot."

Connor looked back down. "I see."

"And you?"

Connor got back to his feet and absent-mindedly straightened the flaps of his plain gray jacket. "I don't think I have a preference in particular."

Nines felt a bit disappointed to learn this but he didn't let it show. There was no real reason to feel upset by the lack of that small piece of information. After all, Connor had told him it was difficult for him to choose things he liked best.

"Perhaps it'll come in time," suggested Nines.

Connor hoisted himself up on the second step of the gazebo on Nines' right. He didn't look at him. "Maybe." Then he leaned back and gazed ahead, and Nines did the same.

They stayed silent as they watched the sun come out from the cover of the cityline, over the dark blue line of the horizon. It was somewhat pleasant to observe the very gradual rise of degrees of the temperature in the air that surrounded them. The pale diluted blue of the sky was slowly overcome with shades of bright yellow and orange, just like the flowers, softly mottled by the whispy threads of clouds that drifted over Detroit.

Nines wanted to look at Connor, so he did. Connor noticed and looked back at him. The ray of sunlight that hit the right side of his face illuminated his warm brown irises and Nines felt a slow rising tide of affection for the RK800. His brave predecessor, smaller by just an increment and lighter by a good fraction, who always wanted to do better when he was already doing so much.

"I like you," Nines told him.

He'd expected the quick flicker of Connor's gaze when it happened, like a flinch, because unease was the way Connor received most positive sentiments directed at him. 

His eyes trained on the nearest ivy stalk, Connor murmured: "I still don't get why you do."

"Would you be willing to listen, if I told you my reasons? Would you be willing to accept them?"

Connor's shoulders tensed and he was silent.

"You're not saying yes, so I won't say them," simply said Nines. "That's fine too."

Even if it did hurt a little that avoidance was the first thing Connor resorted to, Nines understood. He'd talked with Josh and Markus a few times before, both of whom had known the Connor before he'd deviated, the Connor that had helped them win the Revolution, the Connor who even now simultaneously feared and sought to be condemned for his past actions. It was clear to the three of them that Connor had yet to truly recover from that time, and Josh and Markus didn't really know how exactly Connor's life as a machine had gone; he'd yet to tell anyone. The damage was there, however. Markus had been privy to some of the bigger cracks in Connor's mind when the latter had trusted him enough to rely on him during those panicked, fearful moments where the past overwhelmed him, but Connor wasn't one to voluntarily put words on his troubles.

Nines patiently stared at the other android and waited. After a few seconds of this, Connor finally tore his gaze away from the ivy to face him and cautiously asked: "What?"

Nines gently said: "I'd like to hold your hand, if you'd let me."

Connor glanced down at his lap and seemed to realize only then that his fists were nervously clenched. He relaxed his hands and warily looked at Nines again.

"I'm not good at this kind of thing."

"You can say no," Nines calmly told him.

Connor hesitated, his lips thinned in an indecisive line. Then he carefully pushed one hand forward on his knee, dropped his gaze to the wooden step beneath his feet, and mumbled: "You can try if you want."

Nines reached out but didn't take hold of Connor's tentatively offered hand. He didn't want to grab it when Connor looked ready to yank it back at any second. Nines let his extended hand linger in the air between them with the palm facing upwards, fingers lightly curled where they hovered in front of Connor, who looked up uncertainly when he noticed that Nines wasn't touching him. 

Nines said: "Only if you want to try it too."

Connor quickly looked at Nines' hand again with a guardedness that made Nines equally amused and sad. He was fairly certain that Connor had never experienced holding hands this way and neither had Nines, but there was a reason Connor was so wary of this interaction and the likely reason for it was that he didn't trust that Nines was really doing this simply because he liked him. Nines had no qualms about initiating hand-holding because he wanted this. Connor didn't understand, or wasn't willing to understand, why Nines felt this way; consequently, Nines couldn't expect Connor to have an easy time adapting to gestures that translated his fondness for him.

When Connor finally made up his mind and lifted his hand to lower it against Nines', his expression had gone flat. Nines had noticed that Connor did this in situations where he might be scared, upset or worried. His bright yellow LED was proof that he wasn't truly as calm as he seemed. Nines slowly curled his fingers around the side of Connor's hand, slotting them in the space next to Connor's thumb and keeping his grip lax in case Connor decided he wanted to pull away. Connor's hand was proportionately thinner than his but that was the only difference Nines could see. 

Nines didn't say anything else and turned to look at the sunrise again, and from the corner of his eye he saw Connor do the same. He couldn't see the color of Connor's LED anymore but was reassured when he felt the way Connor's tense fingers progressively relaxed as they watched the peaceful scenery of one of Detroit's early mornings. The weight of Connor's hand in his own felt good and natural and he hoped that Connor was also finding comfort in the contact. To Nines, the moment felt bound and fragile, like a butterfly he would be careful to cradle in his cupped palms for an eternity.

"I'm sorry that I've caused you to have a bad reputation," murmured Connor after a while.

Nines looked at him in surprise. "What are you talking about?"

Connor's fingers tightened around Nines' hand, but it felt more compulsive than seeking, like a nervous twitch born of the reflexive desire to clench his fist. He looked down and slipped his hand out of Nines'. Nines didn't try to hold him back.

"You said you had nothing to lose if you were seen in public with me because you didn't have the _best reputation_ ," said Connor. He crossed his arms, hands hidden where they were tightly pressed up against either side of his chest. "It's because CyberLife made you so similar to me that you had trouble making friends in the time I wasn't helping you. It's my face people fear."

Nines stared at him, confused as to why Connor was suddenly bringing that up. Then he remembered how a few days ago, when they'd been trying to fix a date, Connor had avoided crossing his gaze after Nines had said that sentence about not having the best reputation. He remembered asking if something was wrong and Connor had answered "nothing", like he always did. Nines realized he hadn't even needed to ask again, Connor had brought it up himself. And then he realized another thing.

"Have you been feeling guilty about this ever since?" he worriedly asked.

Connor was completely still and he wasn't looking at Nines.

Nines took one step to stand directly in front of him and said: "Connor, why are you apologizing like this is your fault? You said it yourself. It's CyberLife who's responsible for our similarities."

Connor shook his head and the lines of his face hardened in resentment. "It's because of my actions that this is an issue at all. You don't deserve to be shunned for things you didn't do. You did nothing wrong. I'm the one they should fear, I'm the one they hate, not-"

"Connor," quietly said Nines.

Connor closed his mouth and frowned at the ground. 

Nines didn't know the details of what Connor had done as the deviant hunter, though he'd heard numerous rumours and countless accusations when he was mistaken for him. He didn't understand everything about what it had meant to be a machine, he could never pretend to know what that was like; he could only imagine how terrible it must've been for Connor to be hit with the weight of his actions upon deviating. He could tell that Connor regretted what he'd been ordered to do and suffered from his guilt every day, and Nines didn't want Connor to believe that he deserved to be punished for the role of deviant hunter that had been forced onto him.

"It's all right. I don't care if someone mistakes my identity for yours and I don't care what they have to say," Nines declared. "I've made my own opinion of you over time. I don't need anyone else's."

Connor's jaw clenched but he didn't answer. He'd closed off again. That was oftentimes the price to pay when he allowed his true feelings to show, and Nines was used to it by now.

"It's all right," he repeated, and he stepped aside again so Connor could have a full view on the glowing sky again. "Let's just watch the rest of the sunrise." In an afterthought, Nines added: "Thank you for holding my hand earlier. It was very nice."

Then he felt a bit silly for saying that out loud, for some reason, so he blushed. Nines normally never blushed. It only happened around Connor and it had only happened two times so far. 

Quiet befell them again and the sun had fully risen now, its rays glittering in the faraway Detroit River and bouncing off the glass windows that covered the high buildings. Birds chirped louder in the small number of thin trees that surrounded the park. It was peaceful. Connor's voice was subdued when he spoke again minutes later, almost shy.

"Yes."

Nines looked at him. His eyes widened when he saw that Connor's ears were blue and a cyan tinge was dusting his cheekbones. 

"It was nice," murmured Connor.

Nines felt stricken. He'd seen Connor blush before, once or twice because of something nice that Lieutenant Anderson had said to him; and another time in New Jericho when a small, bright, blond and blue-eyed YK500 had gifted Connor a handful of pretty flowers he'd picked for him in the compound's Butterfly Garden. But Connor had never blushed because of Nines, and now Nines realized he wanted to make it happen again and again. He wanted to make Connor smile. He wanted to make Connor laugh. But for now, Connor was blushing because of him, and Nines felt happy that he'd liked holding hands too.

"Will you want to do it again?" he asked.

Connor tugged on his sleeves, a small habit he often displayed, one that Nines had started to link to moments when he needed to compose himself.

"I think so." Connor said it quickly and softly, like he was embarrassed to admit it.

"Me too," earnestly said Nines.

Connor glanced up at him gaugingly. Whatever he saw on Nines' face must have been convincing enough because he ended up uncrossing his arms and laid his hands in his lap again, not so much on the defensive anymore. 

"We should probably get going," he remarked. "I called a cab earlier."

Nines nodded. "Agreed, but we should do this again."

Connor cocked his head slightly, his eyes pensively drifting to the side. "Could this really be considered a date?"

"I've already decided to count this as our first," stated Nines.

Connor's gaze returned to his face, and then he said: "I see."

Nines waited for him to climb down from the gazebo and they left the playground together. Though Nines wanted nothing more but to brush his fingers up against Connor's knuckles, there remained the distance of several inches between their hands. Nines watched Connor climb in the cab first and he wondered what else Connor would like them to do besides holding hands, then let the questions disperse. There was no use rushing. He would be patient, for Connor. Nines took his seat next to Connor and already missed what they'd had in that small park, watching the sun come up, holding hands for seconds that had felt like a unique truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- 04/12/2020 - 
> 
> Connor: Tender.... touch? Hand hold...ing?  
> Connor: These unknown variables make me nervous
> 
> Hey pumpkin!  
> Connor's like a stray cat hesitantly letting Nines check if his paw is hurt. Isn't it cute? He's doing his best.  
> Nines is a very patient bean and he's happy as long as he gets to stay with Connor.  
> Respecting another person's boundaries and pace is very sexy. Do the sexy thing!
> 
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	6. Cruel

They rearranged their plans to go to the skating rink the next Friday on Lieutenant Anderson's advice. Nines hadn't known exactly how long they were supposed to wait between a first and a second date, but apparently the lieutenant had told Connor that a week was a perfectly reasonable delay, and so Connor had shared this information with Nines, and that was how they were sitting in Lieutenant Anderson's car at the end of the day. Nines didn't really understand why the human had insisted on dropping them off at the rink before going home considering it forced him to make a detour and they both could've very well taken a cab, but Lieutenant Anderson had seemed happy to propose and Connor had accepted with no hesitation.

Nines pensively watched Connor and Lieutenant Anderson talk from his spot in the back seat. He always felt a little envious of their relationship, because he'd probably never achieve this with Gavin. It wasn't that Nines wished to change partners, since the detective was quite efficient in his work, but sometimes he wondered what it would be like if his partner wasn't so rude. They only worked best when they agreed to put aside their differences for the sake of a case, and sometimes it got tiring to have to expect arguments the rest of the time. Nines wanted to know the kind of person Gavin could be beneath the constant anger and caffeine-laden nerves, and he hadn't given up hope that the determined and intelligent detective that appeared during investigations could be perfectly reasonable if only he understood that androids were not his enemy. Unfortunately, it had yet to happen.

Nines realized he was slipping in a melancholic state of mind so he tried to think of something more positive. Nines didn't want to complain about wanting a friendship with a coworker when Lieutenant Anderson was nice to him and Connor didn't hate him anymore. He was very happy that he'd met people in New Jericho whot didn't dislike him thanks to Josh and Connor, and now that he was clearly friends with Connor, some human and android officers of the DPD had warmed up to him beyond the politely cordial interactions. These days he felt much happier than he'd once been, and he thought that the assault that had damaged his audio processor had somewhat been worth it because Connor had realized that Nines cared for him, and now everything was all right. Sometimes it still buzzed, but it was never too inconvenient and most of the time Nines didn't even remember that he had a slightly faulty biocomponent. 

"All right, so I probably should've asked sooner, but do either of you know how to proceed once you show up at the entrance?"

Nines' gaze shifted from Connor's reflection in the window to look at the lieutenant in the rearview mirror. He waited for Connor be the first to speak. Nines often did this in conversations that included other people, whether it was because Connor was the older and more experienced android, and Nines felt that what Connor would say would hold more weight than his own words, or because Nines wanted to hear what Connor thought first. It just felt natural to wait for Connor's answer.

"Not really," admitted Connor. "I didn't know there was a process."

"Yeah, well, I say process but it's just the way it goes for public spaces where you pay to have fun somewhere. Nines?"

"Me neither."

Lieutenant Anderson nodded. "Okay. So you just pay the entrance fee and get a ticket, and then you go inside and there'll be a booth with skates they lend their customers. You show your ticket, tell them the size of your feet, they give you your skates, you put them on in the locker room and off you go. It's probably gonna feel weird walking around in skates at first and it might take you a moment to get used to the ice, but I'm sure you'll manage."

"I see," said Connor.

"Did you bring gloves?"

"It wasn't obligatory for androids."

Lieutenant Anderson shot Connor a disapproving look. "So? You can still fall and hurt your hands."

"I won't fall," confidently said Connor, and Nines smiled in the backseat. He liked when Connor sounded so proud of himself. It didn't happen often in front of him.

The lieutenant scoffed. "Yeah, remind me again who many times I've seen your ass hit the ground?"

"When I was thrown or pushed," argued Connor.

"Oh yeah?" Lieutenant Anderson retorted. "How about all the times you slipped because the ground was wet, you goof?"

Connor's voice was tight. "I'm not a goof."

Lieutenant Anderson guffawed. "Sure you aren't."

Nines saw Connor sullenly cross his arms in the reflection.

"Anyway, look, people bump into each other all the time when they skate," continued the lieutenant. "Momentum is tricky to control in a skating rink and it's easy to trip and fall."

"We'll be fine, don't worry."

"Sure, but next time you should bring some just in case."

"Yes, Hank," conceded Connor in ever so slight annoyance.

The lieutenant heard it and glanced at Connor, briefly enough that Nines caught the grin etched at the corner of his lips, and then he turned back to the road and nudged Connor's shoulder with his fist. "Hey, don't be a brat."

Connor shot him an indignant look. "I am _not_."

Nines quietly laughed to himself and Connor noticed, quickly eyed him, and then turned around without a word. At first Nines was worried that he'd vexed the other android, but he caught sight of the rearview mirror and saw the complicit gleam in the lieutenant's crinkled blue eyes. Then he also noticed that the tip of Connor's ears were light blue. Nines understood that it had been Lieutenant Anderson's goal to tease Connor, and that Connor was just embarrassed that he'd reacted so seriously in front of Nines. Nines couldn't hold back the fond smile that stretched his lips.

Lieutenant Anderson dropped them off in front of the entrance and waved at them before getting back on the road, and Connor opened the door for Nines. The inside was linoleum, splatters of gray water, and only slightly warmer than the outside had been. Connor and Nines walked side by side up to the counter and each bought their ticket, and then they went in the next room which smelled slightly similar to the DPD's men's locker but also of melted snow. They walked up to the booth and the man who went to get their skates took a little longer for Nines, but in the end they'd both laced their shoes and were standing up next to the bench.

"This feels weird," said Connor, and Nines nodded in agreement.

"It's tight at the ankles."

"I think that's normal," said Connor. He took a few experimental, wavering steps, which quickly steadied when he reached the other half of the bench. Nines went to get up but stopped when he saw how deep an imprint his blade had left in the soft flooring, when he hadn't even been putting his whole weight on his feet. Connor turned around to see if Nines was following and looked surprised that he wasn't. "Is everything all right?"

Nines hesitated. "Do you think these are resistant enough not to break beneath my weight?"

Connor tilted his head in consideration, his LED blinking yellow for a second, and then he reassuringly said: "There doesn't seem to be a weight limit on ice skates, you'll be fine."

Nines felt silly for not checking it for himself but Connor didn't seem to have been bothered by his question, so it was probably all right. Maybe Connor was simply used to answering whatever Nines asked him. Nines let go of his apprehension and made his way over to Connor, the uncanny sensation of walking on two lines making his gait a bit awkward, and then they both headed for the rink. As soon as Connor pushed open one of the double doors, they heard childish yells and a loud overhead rumbling noise that Nines quickly assigned to the place's ventilation system. There was music, too, and some colorful lights projected across the ice. People were smiling, laughing, frowning- the latter because they were focused on not falling. Nines started feeling a thrill deep inside of him, and eagerness to know what it felt like to glide around the rink with everyone else.

Connor stopped at the closest entrance cut out in the boarding that surrounded the rink and laid a hand on it, turning to Nines. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," enthusiastically said Nines, though he did try to stay calm.

Connor didn't smile, but he did look amused in that subtle, particular way he had of lightly raising his eyebrows. Nines saw it clear as day and it made him feel happy. Connor gestured to the ice and asked: "Do you want to go first?"

"I can go first," said Nines with a nod, and he stepped forward and lowered one blade to the ice. 

He felt the strange give at his heel when his foot slipped forward an inch, but he quickly repositioned his center of gravity and easily steadied himself before completely stepping off the floor and standing on the ice. He experimentally lifted one foot and placed it a bit further off to the side, wavered when he slipped again, steadied himself once more. Then he quickly looked up to see how the other skaters around him were moving their feet before cautiously pushing forward and gliding back to the boarding, which he leaned against to turn around and see how Connor was doing.

Connor was doing well. The strokes of his blades across the ice were experimental and he was a bit stiff, but he didn't stumble, and Nines watched in awe as Connor's focused expression gradually smoothed and his strides became more regular. It looked like Connor was getting the hang of it much faster than Nines. Nines carefully pushed himself away from the boarding to follow Connor. There soon appeared a problem: every time he had to reposition the foot he'd used to propel himself forward, he'd feel a jolt of unsteadiness.

Nines had perfect equilibrium while gliding, but only if he wasn't moving. He quickly figured out that any sharp body adjustment would throw off his sense of balance. Nines usually knew how to be gentle; but that was for others, not for himself, and it usually implicated gradual and measured movements. Skating required a relaxation of the entire body, while at the same time maintaining powerful strides. He'd been engineered to compensate his heavy weight with strong servos, and though he could be very powerful and very precise if he needed to be, Nines couldn't move in languid and graceful ways.

"How are you doing?"

He looked up and saw that Connor had slowed down and was letting Nines catch up with him. When they finally ended up side by side, Nines admitted: "I don't think I'm very good at this. On the other hand, you look like you have a talent for it."

Connor's lips quirked lightly and his brown eyes glittered with the pink and purple of the overhead lights. "You think so?"

Nines smiled at him. "Yes, I do."

Connor opened his mouth to answer, but then his eyes widened in surprise and Nines heard him shout a warning right before he felt a large impact at his back. Nines didn't instantly realized what the consequence for it would be, used as he was to being an immovable weight on regular land, and so he didn't react accordingly. Instead of trying to compensate by pushing in the opposite direction, Nines locked his center of gravity with the intent of catching whoever had collided with him simply by staying still, so they'd be able to lean against him. Instead, because he was much too heavy to topple over, the momentum pushed him straight towards the human girl who'd been practicing close to the edge of the rink in front of him. Nines had a split second to realize he was about to crush her and his arms shot out to brace for the impact, she shrieked, and then he hit the wooden boarding with a loud thud.

"Nines!"

The wood creaked beneath Nines' fingers and he stared wide-eyed at the girl cowering between his body and the wall. That had been too close. His weight could've seriously injured her if he hadn't caught himself in time. She blinked when she realized that she wasn't hurt, and then looked up at him. Nines hurriedly pulled away to establish a distance between them just as Connor slid up to him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he apologized to the girl.

"Oh, no, it's fine," she quickly said, her nervosity making her smile crooked, but looking otherwise sincere. "Are you all right?"

"Yes. Again, I'm sorry." 

"Don't worry about it, it happens," the girl said with a little dismissive wave, and then she started pulling herself along the boarding just like she'd been doing before Nines had nearly shoved her into it, as if this really was just a natural occurence in the rink. Maybe she hadn't noticed, but there were dents in the wood where his hands had been.

Connor came closer. "Are you okay, Nines?"

Nines looked down at him and nodded. "What happened to the person who pushed me?"

"I caught him, he's fine."

Nines nodded again, and then said: "I think I'm going to take a pause here."

Connor looked concerned. "Should I stay with you?"

"No, it's all right." Nines didn't feel like smiling after that scare, but he made an effort to sound encouraging to Connor when he added in all sincerity: "I think I'd like to watch you skate."

Connor looked a bit surprised. "Why?"

Nines hadn't expected Connor to reply with a question, but it was simple enough to find a reason for his request given that it was always one that was true. "Because I think that you're nice to watch."

Connor stared at him, lips parted as if he wanted to speak but didn't know what to say, and then he mumbled "Okay" and scraped the blade of his left foot across the ice to turn around and skate away. Nines wondered if the color of his cheeks was due to the lighting or something else, and he hoped it was because of something else. Nines pressed his back against the wooden wall and gazed at the circles of skaters. They went slower on the outside, faster on the inside, and Connor was apparently confident enough to be in the middle. He moved in rythm with the music that filled the wide gymnasium-like room, and Nines never once let his gaze stray through the softly strobing lines and round shapes projected across the ice.

Nines liked Connor because of his personality first and his expressive brown eyes second. He was aware that humans found it strange when similar androids fell in love with each other, a bit like Narcissus' tale, but it was common. Nines for his part liked that Connor and him had differences. He liked that they weren't the same height, and not of the same weight, and that Connor's face could look so much warmer and softer than his. He liked the way Connor could move, so fast and light, when Nines' speed resided in power. He liked that Connor was talented at things like skating where Nines was not. He liked that Connor was better at reading someone's bad intentions simply because he had a wariness about him that Nines didn't possess. He liked that Connor had the courage to put his life on the line for a people that he didn't even feel he was allowed to belong to. Nines liked Connor, and many things about him.

Nines admired and respected Connor, and he felt sad sometimes when he'd be reminded again and again that Connor didn't see all the wonderful things Nines saw in him. Connor didn't want to believe that he was a good person. He didn't want to be told that none of what had happened during his time as CyberLife's star model was his fault. He refused to believe that someone could love him the way Nines did. Nines wasn't even sure Connor understood that the lieutenant cared for him as much as he did. Nines had even had conversations with Josh that showed him that both of the leaders who were Connor's closest friends couldn't openly worry about him with Connor instantly showing caution and trying to change their minds. Connor seemed... afraid to let people care about him. The person he was least distrustful of in that regard seemed to be Lieutenant Anderson.

Nines had also noticed that Connor tended to express his emotions more freely when he was with the human. Or rather, Connor was less hesitant to show that he didn't really understand them. It made sense. Markus was the one who'd freed androids and made deviancy a normal and acceptable phenomenon, and Josh was his advisor; Nines could understand that Connor would have a hard time explaining to them that deviancy wasn't working out very well for him, even if they were clearly willing to listen. He could also understand that Connor wouldn't know how to explain any of it to Nines, who'd never had to know what it was like to transition from a machine to a deviant. Still, he wished Connor would lean on them more. He wished Connor would open up to him.

Nines watched Connor glide by in front of him a third time. Sometimes Connor looked at him, and Nines would smile to show that he was still watching, and Connor would avert his gaze as if not knowing how to react. It was touching to see that it did matter to Connor that Nines was paying attention to him, even if he didn't try to say or show it voluntarily. Nines hoped that Connor understood that the reason he was paying such close attention was because of how affectionate Connor made him. He hoped that Connor could accept it. Sometimes he almost thought that he did, in moments like these, when Connor seemed less and less ashamed to seek him out through the crowd right before he sped up, or lifted a foot so that he was skating on a single leg, or even when he tried to practice braking on the ice.

Nines never looked away, and he didn't miss when Connor tripped up the first time. It was on the other side of the rink and Nines didn't trust himself to go out there and help Connor up, and Connor didn't need anyone's help anyway. He'd been repeatedly braking near the boarding so he managed to grip the wall just as he tripped and smoothly straightened like nothing had happened. Nines almost smiled to himself but he schooled his expression in benign encouragement just in case Connor glanced over. Connor didn't look back at him for at least thirty seconds, and when he did, he seemed a bit reluctant to do so. Nines just nodded at him and that seemed to satisfy Connor somewhat.

Connor fell again fifteen minutes later when he was unluckily swept up in a collision by two women who'd been holding hands in the rink. Nines frowned, thinking to himself that holding hands seemed to be a rather dangerous thing to do here since a fall would quickly result in two, but this wasn't the first couple he'd seen doing this. It had made him wonder if he could try asking Connor to hold hands again once they were done skating. He'd liked holding hands quite a lot.

Nines then noticed that the couple was getting up but Connor was not. He'd caught himself on his hands and knees and was staying there, unmoving, his LED shining red when it shouldn't have been for more than two or three seconds. A bad feeling started to rise inside of Nines' chest and he shortly hesitated, but then decided that checking on Connor was more important than his fear of getting into another accident, and so he pushed himself away from the boarding and awkwardly skated closer to the scene. He heard people ask questions when they noticed what was going on.

"Look, look at that guy over there."

"What's wrong with him?"

Nines approached the couple just as they were reaching out to touch Connor's shoulder and one of the women was saying: "Hey, are you okay?"

"What's he staring at?" the other asked.

"He's with me," Nines called out, and they looked up and stepped away as he neared them. He clumsily braked next to the group, and once at a stop it became easier to move so he fluidly crouched next to Connor and took him by the shoulder. "Connor?"

Connor's brown eyes were wide open, his lips trembling, and he'd pressed a folded arm to his chest while his right hand seemed stuck to the ice. Nines cautiously covered it with his own and lightly squeezed.

"Connor? Can you hear me?"

Connor jolted and Nines felt his fingers twitch beneath his palm. His brown gaze darted down to their hands and then up to Nines' face, and at the people surrounding them, and he rasped in a fearful rush of words: "Did I hurt anyone?"

"No," answered Nines, disturbed that this was Connor's first concern, and he couldn't stop the worry from showing in his voice. "Are you okay? What happened?"

Connor stared at him with those frightened eyes for a few more seconds before he averted his gaze, and then lightly shook his head and tugged his hand out from under Nines'. When he looked up again, his features had shuttered.

"Nothing."

Nines clenched his fist against the ice. "Connor, that was not nothing. I understand if you don't want to talk about it but don't say that it was nothing."

Connor didn't answer. He got back to his feet and turned away, ignoring the stares, ignoring the murmurs, silently gliding all the way over to the closest entrance and stepping out of the rink. Nines quickly got up as well and went after him, slower and more uncertain in his strokes, but he made it to the wall and hurried to step on the floor and join Connor. His strides were longer than the other android's and he caught up with him at the double doors.

"Connor," he said.

"Stay away from me."

Nines caught the door Connor had let swing shut on him. "Connor, whatever that was, it's fine if you don't want to tell me right now. I just want to be there for you."

Connor spun around to face him, his brown eyes cold and his voice hard. "You shouldn't want to be around me, Nines. I'm not someone you should like."

"But I do like you," answered Nines, and he kept his voice firm and steady but he was scared inside. He didn't understand why Connor's behavior had changed so radically, he didn't know what he could do to make it better, he didn't want Connor to pull away when they'd been getting closer.

Connor lowered his gaze to the ground and although his shoulders were tense, he looked tired. "You shouldn't. It's not worth it."

Shock stole Nines' thoughts away. 

Then he felt wounded, and on top of the torn place that Connor had ripped open inside of him with those words, Nines felt a thick layer of anger settle. Connor had started walking away again but Nines caught up to him in two long strides and grabbed him by the shoulder, forcing him to turn around and grasping his collar to pull him face to face. Connor's eyes widened in shock and Nines heard a commotion around them, people gasping and someone saying "oh shit!", but he was too angry to care.

"Who are you to decide whether my feelings are worthless or not? How dare you? Just because you're unable to accept that I love you doesn't mean you can simply decide that I should not!"

Connor's LED spun bright yellow and both of his hands were wrapped around Nines' wrist, but Nines didn't stop, couldn't stop the hurt that spilled from his lips.

"I thought for _months_ , from the very moment that I heard you say those things about me, that you hated me. And I thought that I would have to accept that and live with it, even though I couldn't stop my feelings for you, because that was the only way to go on for the both of us. Yet you told me that you didn't hate me, that I could've loved you earlier the way I do now if only we'd known that things had the capacity to change between us, and I would've been less lonely! And now you let me come closer to you, you let me hold your hand and watch the sunrise, and we come to this place alone so we can enjoy being together-"

"Nines," quietly murmured Connor. His expression had shifted again and it wasn't stony like earlier, turned troubled instead. His brows were drawn together and his brown eyes held a soft pain in their center, only barely hidden, as if he was restricting it.

Nines heard his voice strain and he felt pain too, aching in his chest, in his head. Maybe this was what other androids felt when they wanted to cry. "You _let_ me love you, only to tell me that none of it is _worth it?_ That I shouldn't have these feelings in the first place, as if it was my choice to control them? That is cruel, Connor, and I know that you do this to be cruel to yourself but it hurts me! It hurts _me!_ "

"Sir," came a voice on Nines' left, and he looked to see a security guard standing next to them. He'd heard the footsteps and he'd heard the crackle of the radio but he hadn't cared, because Connor didn't love himself and he wouldn't even allow Nines to love him, and Nines couldn't stand that he was powerless to change anything about this situation.

Connor let go of Nines' wrist to lift an appeasing hand in the security guard's direction. "It's nothing, just an argument."

"Take it outside," answered the guard. "Violence isn't permitted, I'm asking you to leave."

_Violence._

The word jolted Nines out of his anger and he realized with a wash of dread what he'd been doing. He let go of Connor and staggered back a few steps, still feeling the fabric bunched in his hand, remembering all the conversations about him that he'd overheard, jokes and insults that he'd been told because he was the RK900, the Terminator, the war machine, the metal monster, the engineered killer that was too strong and too heavy and too fast and too dangerous. Connor was staring at him, the guard was staring at him, the people in the room were staring at him and they looked worried and curious and afraid and eager. There was always someone eager to see him become the threat that he was. Nines hated it. He knew he was violent, sometimes, when he had to catch criminals, and that he was good at it. But he hated this. He hated when they thought that he'd hurt people he didn't want to hurt.

"I'm not-" 

Nines felt like his words were stuck, they were all staring at him, they were all waiting. He shook his head in denial, gritting his teeth. There was a buzzing in his ear, his bad ear, like the white noise in his head.

"Nines," said Connor's voice, and he saw him step closer out of the corner of his eyes. "Nines, I'm-"

"I'm not hurting him!" Nines suddenly yelled at them all, and he saw a few people flinch, and a mother step back with her son, and he desperately insisted: "I'm _not!_ "

"Nines," repeated Connor, and he was right next to him now.

Nines looked down at him, lost, uncertain what hurtful words Connor would tell him now and afraid that he'd ruined everything. But Connor just took him by the hand and _he_ seemed to be the one concerned now. He didn't have the tired look from earlier. He was looking at Nines. He was looking only at Nines and his brown eyes weren't afraid, or mocking, or eager. They were careful in a way that made _Nines_ feel like he was the one who was about to break.

"Let's give back our skates first and then we'll go talk somewhere else. Okay?"

Nines gazed at him. Connor gazed back. Neither of them looked away, and Nines finally nodded.

"Okay," he quietly said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- 06/02/2021 -
> 
> Connor: I done fucked up
> 
> Hey pumpkin!  
> This chapter was exciting to write, I was really looking forward to the ice-induced angst and the way Connor's lack of self-love isn't hurtful only for him. I think Connor would be quite blunt when it comes to this, and while for my usual ship I usually write Markus as capable of taking it in stride, my Nines is vulnerable and unstable in love even though he hides his insecurities well. All in all, I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> Thanks for reading, share your thoughts with your author below!


	7. It Was A Mistake

Connor tried not to let the guilt overrun him as they silently returned their skates. Nines remained subdued the whole time, even when they walked out of the building. Connor stopped them both after they crossed the street and asked: "Is there anywhere in particular you'd like us to go?"

Nines shook his head.

He wasn't looking at him and it made Connor feel terrible. The remnants of fear and shame and cold that lingered like they'd caught on the jagged pieces of himself were less painful than the understanding that he'd deeply hurt Nines by behaving the way he had. The last time Nines had avoided his gaze like that had been at the bar, when Nines had been convinced that Connor hated him and that this was the reason why they didn't get along. Right now, as they stood in the street next to each other, Nines was big and tall and yet somehow he managed to seem almost fragile. It was that hunch of the shoulders, the way he folded into himself. Connor hoped he could fix this.

"All right. I was thinking that it would be better if we went somewhere calm where we can be alone. Where do you live?"

Nines shook his head again and said: "There will be people at the DPD."

Connor stared at him for a second before he realized what this meant. "You spend your nights at the precinct?"

"There were available stalls and Captain Fowler agreed to let me occupy one."

Connor continued staring. He knew that his own choice of lodging was lackluster thanks to Josh's, Markus' and Hank's constant disapproval of the abandoned charging station he used not far from the DPD when he could've used the quarters Markus had organized for him to live in, but even he found the idea of living at the DPD offputting. So much for finding a quiet, private place for the conversation he wanted to have with Nines. Connor had hoped that going to Nines' home would make it more comfortable for him. The remaining option was Connor's quarters in New Jericho, which he rarely used, but at least they'd have a space to themselves.

Connor said: "Let's go to New Jericho, then. They let me have a place there."

Nines' blue gaze flickered to him in faint surprise before returning to the ground. He probably had questions, but all he did was quietly answer: "All right."

When they reached the empty cabin Connor noticed the way Nines' eyes roamed around, taking in the small charging pod, the naked mattress, the single chair. It was devoid of any personal touches and Connor preferred to keep it that way. The most of himself he kept away from this place, the better. Connor gestured for Nines to take the chair while he sat on the bed. He noticed that Nines looked uneasy and wouldn't move from the doorway. 

When Nines saw that he was looking, he lowered his gaze and quietly said: "I'm sorry I was violent with you."

"You only grabbed my clothes," stated Connor. "There's nothing to apologize for, it's fine."

He was surprised to see Nines frown at him reprovingly. "It's not fine. It was violence."

Connor hesitated. It was like how Hank had apologized for pinning Connor the desk partition several weeks after the Liberation, and Connor hadn't really thought it was worth an apology but Hank had insisted that it was. Connor hadn't been afraid back then, and he hadn't been afraid earlier when Nines had forced him to turn around. He hadn't once thought that Nines would damage him in any way. But Nines had panicked in that locker, where everyone had been looking, he'd been scared that the others would think that he would. Nines was regretful and he didn't want Connor to move past it like it didn't matter.

"I forgive you, then," Connor finally said. 

That must've been what Nines had been hoping for because he seemed relieved to hear it, though he was still taut. "I wasn't going to hurt you," he warily said, like he thought that Connor wouldn't believe him.

"I know," firmly said Connor. "I know, Nines. I wasn't afraid of you."

Nines closed his mouth and then looked away again. His presence was always imposing and it felt like he was taking up half of the room even though he was just standing in the doorway, but he looked saddened, and even his features which had been purposed to look sterner and less engaging than Connor's couldn't hide this. In that moment, nothing could hide the obvious fact that his nature as the RK900 was an important issue for him just like Connor hated his own; and that on top of this, he'd been hurt by Connor's earlier disregard for his feelings. Connor had never seen him so upset before, in fact he'd never even considered that it was possible. He'd almost though Nines was going to cry, back there, because there'd been so much hurt in his blue eyes.

Connor knew he'd messed up. He hadn't expected that his words would have such an effect on Nines, because even after all this time and after all the instances when Nines had shown him that he really did like him, Connor couldn't believe it. He hadn't thought that it would cause Nines pain to try and push him away like that; he'd only thought that he needed to make Nines understand that it was useless to invest such energy and feelings into Connor. He hadn't once thought about the fact that Nines couldn't help the way he felt. He hadn't thought about the fact that Nines was just as much a slave to his emotions as Connor was. Connor had thought that Nines just needed some convincing, but now he realized it didn't work that way. It never had worked that way.

Nines had been very lonely during those months he'd spent believing that Connor would never like him, his only social bonds being with colleagues and never going past the line of cordial coworker. He'd kept his distance with Connor because he'd been afraid to get hurt. He'd said it was because he hadn't wanted to hope that Connor would so much as consider him in a positive light, because that was what he'd desired. Surely if he'd been able to stop caring about Connor then he would've chosen that option. It would've been less painful for Nines. But he hadn't, because he couldn't. Connor had been too dense to realize that- or maybe it had just been easier to convince himself that Nines had a choice in the matter.

Connor eventually said: "Listen, Nines... I'm sorry, I made a mistake."

Nines' head jerked up in alarm and he took a step towards him. "No, Connor, I still want to be friends! I apologize, I shouldn't have lost my temper like that, and I can promise that it won't happen again."

Connor was confused at first as to why Nines looked so panicked, but when he realized what was going on he quickly raised a hand to stop him. "Wait, you've got it wrong. I'm not saying I made a mistake by accepting that we could get closer. I mean that I made a mistake by saying what I said earlier. I wasn't- I'm not in my right mind and I act out when I'm like this. I lose sight of the consequences and say things that I shouldn't say. I understand why you reacted the way you did and I'm not blaming you for it, it's completely justified that you'd be so upset by what I said."

Nines stood there, unsure. "It is?"

"Yes." Connor pulled on his sleeves, rubbed his hands together, little movements that bought him time and allowed him to gather his thoughts so he could explain. "I know you care for me a lot. I don't really understand why- or as you said before, I might just not be willing to. I'm sorry for that. I know it's not easy for you to have to deal with it." He paused, averted his gaze. "I'm... I'm messed up. I know I am. That's why I think that it would be easier for you if you didn't like me the way you do, but I realize that that isn't something either of us can change."

"No, I don't think we can," quietly agreed Nines. "And I don't _want_ it to change, Connor."

"I know. I don't think... I don't think I want that either." His throat felt strange, like the words wouldn't come out easily because something was physically blocking them. This was the truth, however, and he knew it as soon as he said it. 

Connor enjoyed Nines' company. It felt nice to walk at his side while they talked, or even just to silently stay in each other's presence. Connor thought about the time they'd held hands quite often, though he hadn't tried to talk about it because it had made a strange feeling swell in his chest and he wasn't sure he knew how to deal with that emotion. All he did know was that it didn't seem bad. The memory of the hand holding wasn't in that dark part of his head that he tried to push down, but rather in the brighter hemisphere of his thoughts with all those good files that were memories of his familiar banter with a warmly teasing Hank, and Markus telling him that he was proud of his work no matter if it was good or bad because he knew that Connor was always doing his best, and Josh telling him with the utmost certainty that Connor would know how to be happy in time. So Connor was confident that he'd liked holding hands with Nines; he just wasn't certain how to handle the feeling in his chest. Right now the important thing was to make sure that Nines understood that none of the earlier crisis had been his genuine intent. Connor looked back up at the tall android. 

"Nines, I'm sorry I hurt you earlier, I really am. It was stupid of me to say that. I care for you too, you know? I should've known that it would hurt you and I shouldn't have done it."

Nines gazed back at him, his blue gaze unwavering, still a bit wary but seeking. "Why did you say it, if you didn't mean it?"

The dread that stuck at the back of Connor's head and coated his insides like melted snow flared with a sharp, cold sensation, and he could feel the flat, hard ice pressing up against his hand again. He briefly closed his eyes to center himself. The air around him was still, he was in the cabin, not stuck in an artifical snowstorm. She wasn't there. He hadn't hurt anyone.

"Connor?" Nines' voice was closer and it had softened. When Connor looked, he saw that Nines had taken a few steps closer to the bed and looked concerned. Nines told him: "You're very stressed."

Connor wanted to tell him that that was a given, but then Nines continued talking.

"Your levels peaked at the ice rink, too. I can tell there's a cause to all of this that you don't like to talk about and I want you to know that you don't have to tell me. I would listen, but you don't have to force yourself."

Connor shook his head slowly. "No, it's only fair. It would better for you to know what to expect from me so that I don't hurt you like that again."

Nines was quiet for a beat, and then he went to take the chair and set it right next to Connor before sitting down. "All right. I'm listening."

Connor didn't talk right away. It was like this with Josh too, sometimes, when the other android tried to ask him what was wrong and Connor was faced with a sea of memories and emotions so wide that he couldn't possibly pick one. There were many he couldn't even begin to understand. 

Eventually he admitted: "I don't know where to start." He could feel Nines' gaze on the side of his face but couldn't bring himself to look.

"Perhaps you could just tell me what caused you to look so afraid on the ice, earlier," suggested Nines.

Connor remembered Amanda. He didn't know if he wanted Nines to know the extent of his sins when he hadn't trusted anyone else with this, because even though he'd insisted several times that he was not a good person, Connor found that he didn't actually want Nines to believe that he was bad. Connor wanted his friends to stay. He wanted them to stay, but he didn't want to delude them into making the mistake of liking him, but he didn't want to be left alone, but he thought that he'd deserve to be left alone, and this was a constant conflict which Connor never found a definitive solution to. He was indecisive and would sometimes lean one way and then the other, resulting in incidents like the one today where he'd hurt Nines' feelings, and he'd regret one thing only to do it again later. It never stopped. His friends had yet to give up on him. 

"Connor?"

Connor nodded slowly. Then he started by saying: "I had a handler."

Connor told Nines about Amanda just as he'd told Markus and Josh and Hank. He told Nines about everything that had unfolded that day in the stormy Zen Garden, how he'd been afraid of what his body had been doing out there in the real world, how he'd seen himself on the verge of killing Markus in front of thousands and thousands of liberated deviants. How he'd had to slam his hand down on the flat hand-imprinted disk of the glowing blue podium and it had felt like ice, and the emergency exit had allowed him to come back seconds before the irrepairable had happened. How Connor was afraid of snowfalls, and now apparently of splaying his hand on a dense sheet of ice, because it reminded him that Amanda had once taken over; and when that happened, how he couldn't help but be terrified of it happening all over again, of her forcing him to hurt people.

"Where is she now?" carefully asked Nines.

Connor fell silent for a few grim seconds, and then he said: "She's gone." He couldn't help but feel that pit inside of him again, that absence like a constant ache, at the reminder that he would never speak to Amanda again. "She's not coming back."

And Nines noticed. Of course he noticed.

"You sound sad. It's as if you miss her."

Connor went rigid. He'd almost told Hank, once, but Hank hated hearing about Amanda. Before Connor had been able to say that part outright, the conversation had led to a fight because Hank refused to understand that Connor could see Amanda as anything but a bad person. She'd been just an AI but Hank felt too strongly against her to take that into account. Connor hadn't told anyone, because everyone called Amanda a bitch, or cruel, or considered her a cause of Connor's forced compliance when he'd been a machine dancing on the line of deviancy. 

But Nines' tone held no judgment. It sounded like he just wanted the truth and didn't care about what the answer would be as long as he got to hear about how Connor felt. Connor was tired of keeping this to himself, he was tired of having to keep this secret close because he was certain deviants would think he regretted his past life and that they'd think that he was only loyal to Amanda, and so to CyberLife. Nines was not like other deviants. He wasn't Hank. He was waiting and listening.

"I do miss her," whispered Connor, and he felt afraid and ashamed to finally speak it out loud but it was also a relief that someone else could know.

"Why?"

Connor had expected Nines to point out that Amanda had trapped him in the Zen Garden, that she'd used his body to ruin the Liberation, so he was surprised to hear him ask that simple question without the bite of accusation. He looked up. Nines was staring at him and waiting for his answer with a serious, open face. Connor's words deserted him. He'd never tried to look for a reason. It was more that he'd be going on with his day and suddenly remember a detail that he missed about Amanda, or he'd long to hear her voice, or think briefly about the light rippling in a pond and the rustling of azalea bushes and the smell of red roses.

"I don't know," he ended up saying. "I don't know."

Nines nodded as if that was a perfectly reasonable answer and he'd never expected to hear anything else, and then they fell silent. Nines gazed at Connor and Connor gazed at the ground.

"Connor."

Connor glanced at him. Nines held out his hand in a slow movement, letting it fall open in the space between them.

"I would like to hold hands. Is that all right?"

Connor uncertainly looked down at it, and he felt the immediate urge to follow along because of the wistful tug he'd experienced every time he'd recalled that moment in front of the sunrise, but he still felt on edge after the ice rink. Even if, rationally, Connor could tell himself that Amanda would never be able to take over his commands again, there persisted the unreasonable fear that none of it would ever be over. Connor was bad and it was dangerous to encourage his friends to let their guard down around him.

Nines said: "It doesn't have to be for long. You said that you enjoyed it, last time, and I did too. I would like to comfort you like this."

Connor looked at him. "Nines, what if I hurt you again? Aren't you afraid that will happen?"

Nines acknowledged: "It was painful, but you've explained your reasons. I am reassured because I know that I matter to you, and because you've told me that you didn't mean the hurtful things you said. Now my concern is that you are the one suffering. Connor, do you want to hold my hand?"

"... What if-"

"Connor," Nines cut him off, somehow sounding even gentler than before. "Do you want to?"

Connor stared at him, and the thoughts and fears in his head were loud and writhing and wouldn't leave and it was so tiring to have to always, always deal with them alone. Nines brought his hand closer to Connor with an encouraging light in his eyes.

"You can say no. Or you can take my hand."

Connor didn't know why it was so difficult, physically, to raise his hand off his thigh and extend it to meet Nines'. It was slow, and he faltered once or twice, but when the tips of his fingers finally touched Nines' and Nines' fingers delicately closed over his, it was like all the restraints had snapped loose. Connor tightened his hold around Nines' hand with a fervor that surprised him and it suddenly felt like he was anchored, like this was what he'd needed the whole time and he just hadn't realized how much of a relief it would be. Nines responded in kind, and then they were holding hands like they'd never let go since the playground and the sunrise.

It felt good.

It felt like this was how things were supposed to be.

"Does this help?" asked Nines.

Connor wordlessly nodded.

Nines smiled, soft and affectionate, and said: "Good."

"You spoke about loving me, earlier." Connor felt like the words tumbled out of his mouth without his control, and he felt a nervous thrill abruptly pulse through his wires, a mix of fear and anticipation and dread suddenly start to pound in his head.

Nines' eyes widened a bit, flickered off to the side, and then he said: "I did."

Connor hesitated, and then asked: "Did you mean it?"

Nines was blushing. He looked down and squeezed his hand, as if to confirm Connor's presence, and when he looked back up he was still blue in the face but sounded very sure of himself. "Yes."

Connor gazed at him. He knew nothing about love, and yet Nines was so certain that he could feel it. Still feeling afraid, and not knowing why, Connor asked: "How do you know?"

Nines leaned in closer and gently cradled Connor's hand in both of his as if it was the most precious thing he'd ever held, and told him: "You are the only person who makes me feel the way I do. Even if it wasn't love, it would be the closest thing to it."

Connor didn't know what to say, so he just said: "Oh."

As if he understood, when he didn't understand any of it. The feeling in his chest swelled in response to the warm light in Nines' clear blue eyes, to his sincere words, and Connor's hand flew up to splay against his sternum. The only thing he could feel was the accelerated thrumming of his pump.

"I can show you, if you'd like," suggested Nines. "We could interface."

Connor's gaze flickered down to their hands. He was curious. He was afraid. He wanted to make sure, but he didn't want to. What if one of them realized that they'd both been wrong and that they didn't actually like each other? What if Nines was wrong about loving him? What if he changed his mind upon seeing the inside of Connor's mind? Connor realized with a swoop of his pump that he was terrified of losing Nines after they'd become so close. He was terrified that Nines would realize that Connor had been right, that it wasn't worth it.

Without thinking, Connor retracted his hand and covered it with the other close to his chest. He belatedly realized that Nines had let him, as if he'd expected him to react this way.

"You're scared," softly said Nines, and Connor couldn't deny it. He knew it was obvious. "Why are you scared, Connor?"

"I..." Connor trailed off, but Nines was waiting, so he said: "I don't know if I can do this."

"Do what?" patiently asked Nines.

"I don't," Connor cut himself off, hesitating, knowing he'd sound ridiculous because he'd been the one pushing for Nines to leave him, to stop liking him, to stop making this mistake.

Nines gently egged him on. "You don't?"

Connor said the words out all at once, as if getting rid of them would make more tolerable any reaction that they would cause. "I don't want you to leave me."

Nines' eyes widened. "Why would I leave you?"

Connor's fingers tightened around his own hand. "You'll realize. You'll realize that I'm really not good."

Nines was silent for a while, and Connor couldn't stand to watch the sadness that invaded his features, and he dropped his gaze to his lap. 

"You may not think you are, but I do. I think you are a very good person." Nines' long fingers brushed against the back of Connor's tense hand and slowly, gently slipped in the spaces between his fingers. "I won't leave you. I wouldn't leave the person I love simply because he's afraid of himself."

Connor didn't try to escape Nines' touch because it felt grounding, it felt like being saved, it felt like being held onto. But he didn't think he could interface. He didn't think he could do it right now, no matter the outcome. He didn't think he'd be able to take it after everything that had happened today.

He shook his head, quick and small, his voice thin. "Not now."

"All right," easily said Nines. "Not now."

They just held hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- 12/02/2021 -
> 
> Kudos to my friend Lokiitama coming up with this spot-on quote:
> 
> Nines, pointing at the word on the board: There's only one thing worse than "Hating"  
> Nines, ripping away the paper underneath so that the board reads "Hating Connor": Boom.  
> Connor: *gasp*  
> Connor: _Me_
> 
> Hey pumpkin!  
> I don't really know where to go from here, I've been stuck for a long time on this story. I wanted to write about them doing more couple stuff but it would probably be a super slow burn because of how Connor is with love, and since I'm already planning on doing that for RK1K with Good morning, Lieutenant... Well, I can't say I feel inspired to write two super long slow burns at the same time with Connor in both ships.
> 
> But, to give you some inkling about what I would have planned for Connor and Nines if I had the energy to continue this story: them moving in together with Hank's help, learning how to live in close proximity while there are Feelings involved... The most interesting aspect I was thinking on was Connor not being able to reciprocate Nines' very romantic love BUT they'd still have a loving relationship and be a couple.
> 
> So I don't know. I don't like discontinuing fics, but my life fuel has been leaking, and consequently, so has a lot of my motivation. Maybe I could put this story on hiatus? Though, I have to admit, this feels a little like an "our couple needs to take a break" only to end up really breaking up a little while later.
> 
> Maybe you pumpkins could give me some prompts or ideas to use?
> 
> Anyway! I hope you liked this chapter. I really enjoyed writing the part where Connor manages to put words on his insecurities and is very reluctant to accept Nines' reassurances.
> 
> Thanks for reading, share your thoughts with your author below!

**Author's Note:**

> Come by and say hi on [Tumblr](https://lost-tanuki.tumblr.com/post/184765301043/dbh-fics) (link to my DBH fic masterlist), and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/losttanuki)!
> 
> I now have a Discord server called the Pumpkin Patch server, you can pm me on Tumblr/Twitter to join. I'm looking forward to seeing you there!


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